two beds, one room;
i woke up covered in chocolate.
you took off your t-shirt,
rubbed your face with a washcloth,
smiled and padded
over to me;
i woke up in one bed facing the land
yours facing the sea.
you climbed in
next to me,
and mumbled something...
something like,
how did you sleep?
unimportant yet so monumental,
calming us, moving along our arms
to the windows, open on
two beds in one room.
to prove that we could, that morning
we drank champagne and ate pancakes,
laughing like syrup;
outside, the sun was lazy, moseying about
in a curtain of clouds.
fleeting,
the day that went on forever.
a day, a week, a month, a year or a life, it was.
everything in its place and tucked neatly
like delicate eggs in a nest.
i held it all, deep breaths
as i kicked the waves.
everything safe far under the surface,
all but the two beds.
one faced the land,
one faced the sea.
Author notes
cheap wine
i'm sorry i've had MAJOR writer's block forEVER so this is all i've got. i'll work on it...
A contest entry
- summer is for the sky by grass.
533 points, ended July 7, 2008, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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beautiful, beautiful. this is how love should feel.
"laughing like syrup"
damn, that's nice.
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ok there are so many pieces of this that i love. starting out with the first two lines. such a silly but striking image! i would like to see a comma after 'beds' though, idk just me. the second stanza is perfect, as well as the first line of the third that correlates. four lines into the third stanza though trips me up a bit. the phrase 'moving along our hands to the windows' seems out of place after 'calming us'. like, what is moving along your hands? did you mean 'moving our hands along to the windows'? to me it's just confusing.
fourth and fifth stanza are so gorgeous, laughing like syrup is the stickiest, grittiest way to describe laughter and i LOVE it...
and that ending was grand yet i didn't like the 'but' in line two, i think it could be fixed as easily as replacing it with except. lovely
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i made some changes, hope this version makes more sense--thanks as always for your help!!
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revisions are awesome! adds to the flow and overall feeling of the piece, you did excellent
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