Seize beneath the luxury of nail beds, dirt under the cuticle
a soft bottle
you can't compare yourself to.
Drowned your lungs
in rainbows of red
like candy you had at the bus stop
and you sister chewed the fake cigarettes
They paint your lips red now too.
The next thing there is
what everyone wondered
is they got their hopes up
it's just dark
there's no belonging here
there's no here to belong to
Panic sets in
you never felt so alive
as you feel when you're dead
spine snagging the hollow boards
tripping and falling
like a maze without an exit or an entrance
and hedges that grow eyes like roses.
Wondering, would be a light word
Searching
Endless searching
and you can't know if you found it
when you don't know what you're looking for
The ticket stubs grow sharp as thorns
entangling every oak door
and it reminds you of windows
you need to get out of here
but everything in here is painted gray
the windows
match the walls
that match the doors
that mimic horizons
but your eyes keep looking
You know you can't give up.
The smell, it's fresh some where
The paint, the thick smell
that you hated so many years
that you feared so many years,
that meant moving, that meant instability,
and you crawl to it along the gray and find the wet patch.
Those nails,
those imperfect nails drag back every flimsy coat
showing the clear soft window to a glass.
You want to leave
You need that window open
Outside, the air is thick
it's humid
and wet
the kind that frizzed your hair
and tore your eyes
and played with the skin on your lips
but you love it
and grateful as those who kissed the ground
expressing open limbs to the air,
awaking on a floor,
Besides the spilled pills
and the red from your blood-let sleep
Change is sometimes necessary.
It's time for that,
Now you understand that.
Now it's time to really live your life.
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