Sun shining thinly behind the screen of morning clouds.
Faint shadows spilt on the carpet.
Darkness from behind closed lids.
Cold hands against the glass.
Eyes now empty and dry.
A watermark on the morning window,
in the pattern of her fingerprints
Author notes
Prompt: watermark on a morning window
A contest entry
- Options I think are unique by bird at rose.
1000 points, ended August 26, 2008, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any helpful criticism will be much appreciated :)
Comments
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Wow, this woke me up pretty well this morning
Interesting how you break almost every line into a sentence, they offer small concentrations of thought, while going into the next without jaggedness. Love the first couplet, just as a gauze or net would filter a percent of bright strength... so does water vapor, and sometimes it doesn't completely block the light. That really is some direct poetry, and hmm even more strained when this sort of thinness now is refined into your house. "Faint shadows spilt on the carpet" intrigued me, the castings appear discolored, yet it's powerful for if it were more overcast everything would be gloomy. Or, a few people call the land a big rug lol, so that works too.
Your next few lines allowed me to capture your image by how when you start to fall asleep, it's not bright like, if you're taking a nap, outside. And, so these "lids" are like the closure of clouds coming over, and we're in that mending, like a dream so to speak. Oh, you're making me wildly have fun!
"Eyes now empty and dry;" the most deep, but very on topic. There might be nothing really invigorating to see at dawn then, except your words for it. And, let's say in a cold season, there's another day opaquely seeming as yesterday... it can be exhausting. Ironically, literally, the humidity is mostly gone in Winter even. I thought the last stanza goes back and forth between someone leaving a print, or that dewdrops/rain would have the same continence for parable.
Thank you for entering impressive brevity,
Daisy -
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Wow, thanks for the feedback...I'm probably not suppodes to say this, but that might in fact be more thought than I put into the poem..
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oh my, this is a wonderful take on the prompt and very well written! =] good luck.
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