Hello, I am the Universe
I hold you all within my space
The earth, the moon the stars
Also, clouds in their place
I hold the sun which rises
Early in the Morning
I also hold back the winds
When they want to blow without warning
I hold the path that each one takes
Throughout the many days
And those that rule at night
In their very special ways
And since I am the Universe
I must have been molded first
The mighty hands of God
Made the entire Universe
Earth with all it's beauty
From sea to rolling sea
Has many friends around her
And they're friends to you and me
Last but not least is the Rainbow
With all it's colors and glow
It arch's across the sky
Shines and reflects on earth you know
Out past all the stars that shine
Into the vast space that I behold
Are wonders that no one has seen
With beauty that can not be told
Author notes
I had written another poem and somehow lost it before I got it submitted. Oh well. I hope this one is OK.
A contest entry
- Loose yourself into Largeness by Thoughts-of-Soloman.
1750 points, ended July 11, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Say what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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As I read:
'Hello, I am the Universe... '
Very literal introduction, which although lacking mystery so far, does keep things clear.
'I hold the sun which rises
Early in the Morn
I also hold back the winds
When they want to toot their horn'
I like the largeness in this, however I don't think that the 'toot their horn' has helped as far as conveying any feeling of grandeur goes. Humour and lightheartedness yes but I find going from 'that which holds the sun', which conveys very well what the prompt invited, to the 'toot' a little hard to reconcile. I believe this has trivialised the image unnecessarily and wish you'd used '...unleash their scorn', or something like that.
'I hold the path that each one takes
Throughout the many days
And those that rule at night
In their very special ways'
Now pointing at inner mystery, I like the extra dimension and also the implication that all have their real place in this.
'And since I am the Universe
I must have been molded first
The mighty hands of God
Made the entire Universe'
Yes, on which we all depend, very good inclusion.
'Earth with all it's beauty...'
'Last but not least is the Rainbow...'
'Out past all the stars that shine
Into the vast space that I behold
Is beauty that no one has seen
And this beauty can not be told'
This is a wonderful end verse, leaving us with open mystery and beauty. This again I feel could have been allowed to make more of the impact it should have if you hadn't already used 'beauty' twice already in the previous two stanzas, as well as twice here.
I like the sentiments you have expressed very much, all of them and it reads as very kind hearted, however I feel that this way of doing so is at the expense of exposing the grandeur and awe intended from the prompt.
Thank you so much and all the best to you.
Sol
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Thank You Solomon
For pointing out these errors, statements, etc. I have made corrections to my poem. I can only guess that I did not proof read this at all. Your proof reading and comments are appreciated. katie Lazette
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A beautiful take on the prompt. Well done and good luck in the contest.
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Thank you Lucy for reading my poem and your kind comment.
Katie Lazette
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Quite true and quite inspiring bringing the essence of our life.......thanks for sharing such a wonderful verse..well done...
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Thank you Prabhu for your wonderful comment on my poem. I always value your comments...Katie Lazette
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I love your entry Katie..great imagery used here..
And since I am the Universe
I must have been molded first
The mighty hands of God
Made the entire Universe
just beautiful, best of luck in the contest
Ruby
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Thank you Ruby34. I am so pleased that you enjoyed reading my poem. I am going to see if I can add a little more. Tomorrow as now I am going to bed.. Katie Lazette
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I joined the same contest. please check my entry when you get a chance..I will appreciate it
Ruby34
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Thank you for entering with a beautifully positive response to the prompt.
You have entered very quickly and I suspect that you could take this even deeper, by more investigation, using your imagination to leap further with your being, in the subject, for example- what does it feel?
This is not a criticism at all, only invitation, as the judging will not be happening yet for another two weeks.
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