I feel the pain inside me
Just to end it all would be a wonder
I just want to let my pain go free
I need to stay above so I don’t go under
I can’t stand the pain anymore
The pain is just too much
It’s hard in life with the love and war
I do what ever I can to numb the touch
Take the knife and end it all
Say goodbye to life itself
As I leave, my soul will crawl
I must take the life of myself
As the crimson water flows
I wonder how much longer
I ask myself which way to go
As I feel death’s grip getting stronger
I see the darkness circling around me
I feel me drifting away
In a second, I will be free
I lay here suicides prey
My final moment on earth
Will be a painful one
I’m seeing flashes of my birth
It’s over I am done
A contest entry
- Emotions Crying Out {Options} by newnoakua.
550 points, ended June 16, 2008, 92 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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This is really good AJ.
Sad,, but well written. I had no idea you were so talanted. Can't wait to read more! *hug
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The images you have are good and I think it all worked for you in the last stanza. One thing you need to work on, if you plan to keep doing rhyme is your meter. Syllable count is important with rhyme as it sets the pace for the reader. When you have uneven beats, it can come off as forced rhyme (Example: S4L2 & 4 you have 7 syllables & 9 and it sounds odd). Keep at it! The more you write, the better you will get at it...
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I like this. You expressed the pain so well, but rather than the normal cliche' suicide poems, this one's so.. calm, like you've accepted it and you're ok with this being the end for you. Although I hope it is just a poem, and not real.
Goodluck in the contest.
xo -
well then, there it is. the prefect suicide poem. Well done, you glamed up the death just enough but kept the pain raw and crimson. Excellent look into death. Something I do all the time.
Nice work,
creatress
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Really liked your rhyming, it impacts on the overall emotionality of this piece. The title is very apt and connotes greater imagery for the reader, there is no indication of where this takes place, thus leaving somethings to the reader's own imagination. While deep and dark in some ways, it feels more matter of fact and accepting of the outcome rather than railing against the need to do so. I like this piece. Thought provoking. I liked the 'suicide's prey' concept too. The last line was a perfect completion to the piece, in my opinion.
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To be honest, I thought the first 3 stanzas were a bit cliche, but then after that it go kind of good. Dont worry, starting a poem is the hardest part. I agree with Nephy, you're getting better Good luck in the contest!
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Wow... dark and painful. I love the phrase 'suicide's prey'
. Your writing is really getting good 
Fluid rhyming, and nice structure!
GREAT job
diggin it majorly
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