Rain
Like your lips on my shoulders
wrapped in velvet blankets
Each morning
is like a rose,
Soft, red, and fading
Dear John:
I will not return.
Blank.
Rain reminds me
Massive structure that consumes me each night,
strangles me in velvet
and spews me
each morning,
And I dress
alone and cold,
and never leave my shoulders bare
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Comments
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i really like
"Each morning
is like a rose,
Soft, red, and fading"
something about how even though if analysed more closely, there's nothing particularly original about it, and yet it's so fresh and effective here nonetheless.
also, love the word "spew," what an image, and clever twist of the ending, even if it did seem slightly contrived to me, could see the wheels turning behind it slightly, the intentionalness of it, if i'm making any sense, but that's not an awful thing, i love how it circles back, ties back into the beginning.
i didn't get the line "Massive structure that consumes me each night," have know idea what tat refers to and how it's connected to the rain. otherwise though, excellent, original way of writing on this topic. love all that is suggested but never explicitely said.
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