That (un)feeling

I would love to feel myself freezing
To know that I could feel at all,
Drink French vanilla hot chocolate
And then cry myself to sleep in a bank of snow
In my backyard,
Or yours.

I wish it was winter,
The snowflakes in my mind
Would match the reflection in the puddles
And hating life
Would be more logical
I would buy competitively priced furniture
Never make payments
Hide the bill in my rain boots
And put the furniture on the lawn.

When your eyes would melt,
Drip on me,
Laying on the sidewalk and pretending to shiver
Wearing my rainboots
In the middle of a drought,
I was always a wishful thinker.
Offer me a pixie stick,
One that isn’t grape,
My mouth stained with sugar I will bite you,
Tell you I love you,
And then ask you to leave.

Lay in the moonlight beside me
I refuse to come in.
I refuse to admit to the tears that I now lay in,
And you refuse to notice.
Hold my hand,
Stroke my hair,
I am numb.