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weathered gentle
by a low summer rain,
clouds tangled white above his earth,
a land of creases, of ridges
and valleys filled with wood and ash-
 
his smile scattered the margins
of quiet lips,
slipped over a world of care
as we hovered
through kitchen table days
 
and his eyes held humour
hostage
while fingers made bullets from bread,
each flicked sideways
while he feigned innocence
and we surprise.
 
each cast to a role, a battle
shared,
 
little faces would squeal
as shells

tumbled down,
 
soon followed by our

walls.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think (Critical Honesty Appreciated)

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Naridill gold member
    June 17

    Edit | Reply
    Beautifully painful - I think I have mentioned before - how you words can own a certain piece of people after reading. The rip really tears.

  • Suzanne Dia gold member
    June 11
    Edit | Reply


    This has the whimsy of a baby's giggle.


  • I found the beginning to be a little weak cause the starting first line is just awkward. And then all the rest of the poem is quite stunning. It's got to be that "weathered gentle" part and the whole low summer rain bit, just seems like the poem could have started on the clouds line. Your punctuation is good but I wonder about the stanza breaks at the end. You have three solid parts and then small little image separations, which are beautiful, but I wonder why the sudden format change. My favorite stanza is the third.
    There is lovely poetry here kate.

    ;


  • Fug-azi
    June 9
    Edit | Reply
    A softer Kate?


  • Rowan gold member
    June 9

    Edit | Reply
    I thought this was a precious moment captured here, not a hard one. A stern but loving presence, and with children who looked up to him. My dad had alot of nasty traits, but I try to recall the times like this, when he was more childish than we were. lol.


  • Malabu
    June 9

    Edit | Reply
    I tremble to think...the unease to which falls supple to moments of smiles distant to the shackles that bond us to genetics...and how far we travel beyond love we want to cherish...but cannot...between us a wall with our eyes raised...pounding it with our fist...fall fall...we tell it...and life goes on
    Mal

  • Hard memories of fatherhood is what this feels like. The title, a name shared by many in fondness, a broken part of a relationship held by many others. It is odd, to me, that so much of what has passed, or what is passing, still lingers and carries on, held so tightly within the mind. Emotion filled spaces occupy current thoughts showing no respect for the pain they inflict into our ever awakening present, a present that seeks to find solace within another’s acceptance of our deepest self. The eyes speak all, speak volumes to our brokenness as we seek affirmation within the male glance – hoping for reassurance that we are, indeed, on the correct path to our truest selves.

    Blessings and best wishes,

    ~r.

1 - 7 of 7