Piss Hiss

My brother is quite an operator. He always has an angle on everything. I am remembering back in college days he got an efficiency apartment for free while he renovated it. I went to visit. It was the dead of winter and a blizzard raged outside. All he had to heat his apartment was a wood-stove, but being a small apartment and a large wood stove, it was more than enough.

After exchanging pleasantries he asked me about the weather. I told him that it was incredibly cold outside. The wind was whipping and the snow would end up anywhere that wasn't tightened to the skin. He looked disappointed. Being my first time in his new apartment, he showed me around. It took an entire eight steps to accomplish this, but he was having a ball showing off his glorious plans.

"This is where I will put the sink and the kitchen stove. This is where the Bathroom will go. The bed can go over here in this corner, as it is closer to the wood-stove." he said.

"No bathroom?" I asked in surprise.

"Well, during the day we can go into the owner's house to use the bathroom on the first floor and shower, etc. At night that door is locked and so I go outside and she just pees in a jar, then I throw it outside."

This was a shock to me. His girlfriend, who was out of town for the weekend, was a gorgeous girl from a wealthy family in the city of Boston. Her dad was head of a faculty department at a nationally respected university. She was way better than he deserved. I had a hard time imagining how he talked her into peeing in a jar. The image was amusing, and provocative.

I quickly removed my jacket and outer shirt, as the wood-stove had a larger fire in it than was necessary. I looked at my brother and saw him sweating. Then he got this idea in his mind, as I could see his eyes light up. He excused himself and went to a small closet.

He returned from the closet with a Ball jar and a big smile. Then he went over to the card table he had up against the wall, set the jar on the table and pissed in it.

"This will solve two problems." he said. Then he took the jar of piss, opened the woodstove door, and threw the contents of the jar on to the glowing fire. "One, I didn't have to go outside and get cold: Two, the fire will cool down now."

He looked at me with a triumphant expression like he was Thomas Edison or something. I put on my outer shirt and coat. He looked back at the wood-stove, which was now making an obscene hissing noise, as I quickly adjusted my jacket for the cold.

"Leaving so soon? Don't you want to stay and have a beer?" He asked incredulously.

I only shook my head, attempting to exit before I was forced to take another breath. I did not bother to close his door when I left, taking pity upon my poor, very silly brother. As I drove down the street I looked back to see him opening a window while holding a dishtowel to his face. The front door was still open as I had left it. I laughed as he waved to me out the window.

A week later I visited again, figuring I had waited long enough. I was very wrong. The smell was horrible, still, but he and his girlfriend had gotten used to it by now. Fortunately, it was borderline tolerable.

"Next time" he began, "I will put some baking soda in with the urine so it will not smell so bad."

To which his girlfriend replied.

"If you are stupid enough for there to be a next time I am going to go sleep with him until there is absolutely no smell." and pointed to me.

"What the hell, give it a shot." I said.