"I can laugh all I want, inside I still am empty." (From the song "All That I've Got" by The Used.) These words describe my life in a nutshell. It goes beyond random lyrics from a random song. For me, these words define me. No matter what sense of happiness I may feel in my daily life, there's still a part of me on the inside that remains empty. It doesn't go away, no matter how much doctors and therapists like to bullshit you by assuring you that it will go away, after they load you up on medications to the point where you can't think anymore, to where you are indifferent to everything because anti depressants, anti anxiety, or any other "cure" for a bad feeling turn you into a lifeless, feelingless shell of a person. I'm controlled by my own emotions, completely powerless to myself. Days come where I can't even function right because the only thing on my mind is the big picture, but somehow my brain is able to twist and mutilate things so that I only see the bad. The worst that could happen. I live my life fearing tomorrow,. the next thing I do to fuck up my life. It's very hard to focus on the postives when you fear the negatives the way I do. I'm extremely paranoid, although I have no reason to be. I've lived a mere 16 years, and it seems like I'm destined for this the rest of my life. A lifetime full of depression, suicidal thoughts, and extreme paranoia. So you see, no matter how happy I seem to be, I'm still a prisoner to myself, and inside, will always remain empty.
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