Sarcastic, Sardonic, I don't really know

I smile like I mean it
[Who knows?  I could]
And laugh like they're special
[Just like I should]

I don't know if it's depression
[Or if it's a game]
The only thing I know
[Is the one thing I hate]

You keep walking in shadows
When you think that there's light
The door begins to close
Your heaven's out of sight
And I feel so useless
And I feel so afraid
Like the things that I've done
Mean nothing today
[Easily pushed away]

I hang with the crowd
[I feel so alone]
I leave the party early
[I'm not ready to go home]

So I take another walk
[Sit down at the park]
I feel all alone
[Minus the throbbing in my heart]

I keep walking the same path
like the destination will change
I don't know if it's depression
Or just really a game
Because if feels so real
The monsters coming out
It's tearing me to pieces
All these years of learinging
[That's all I have now]

So I take another step
[To find I'm far behind]
I call for them to wait
[But they don't have the time]

So fall to the floor
[My backs against the wall]
I'm three steps from the stairs
[Four steps from a fall]

I keep going this direction
I'm really hurting myself
And some part of me realizes
I'm enjoying this hell
And I feel so disgusted
I should be ashamed
But this guilt that you're asking
Is such a tedius thing
[If not pointless]