im bruised from the head down
colors blossoming into different shades of brilliance.
&&my head aches almost as much as my heart...
these endless rages keep touching me in to walls
and down the
s
t
a
i
r
s
ive been wondering why it is that you keep
begging me not to go.
on hands and knees;;
ive never felt so powerful over you
[[before]]
this night ends ill probably be underneath your covers
and you'll be apologizing for tainting my skin
hours&&hours will pass
And sure enough ill be sprawled on the bathroom floor
wishing that i could somehow dream myself out of this exsistence
i only hope that someday you'll remember that you had a good thing going..
until you laid ((eyes)) hands on her
Author notes
give me your reactions.
i want brutal honesty and critique on this one.
[[Crash Into Me baby]]
;D
A contest entry
- Round One by She Stole My Voice.
325 points, ended June 18, 2008, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
it is a bit sporadic,, but thats how im feeling at the moment.
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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I wish that I couldn't relate to every single fucking poem I've read of yours thusfar. It's a tad bit depressing, to be completely honest with you. But anyway, your poem is far from sporadic. You have used your words well, and your clever phrases really deliver the reader a blow to the heart (or ego, depending on which character in this poem they relate to), and I love your conventions and style. The subject matter isn't the most original, but that doesn't make it not good. Great job on your writing; keep doing it, I love to read.
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heh heh yeah i would say its a bit depressing but hey :]
thank you so much dollface.
i appreciate it.
♥ ♥
[[alexsis]]
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hours&&hours will pass
And sure enough ill be sprawled on the bathroom floor
wishing that i could somehow dream myself out of this exsistence
simply amazing write doll love it mucho,
vanna -
amazing poem
i think the best lines (or at least my favorite) are
"this night ends ill probably be underneath your covers
and you'll be apologizing for tainting my skin"
so well worded
great job with this
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hours&&hours will pass
And sure enough ill be sprawled on the bathroom floor
wishing that i could somehow dream myself out of this exsistence
^^your amazing.;] -
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thank you doll face.
;]
♥
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I really love this and I feel like I can relate so much.
hours&&hours will pass
And sure enough ill be sprawled on the bathroom floor
wishing that i could somehow dream myself out of this exsistence
^^^^^
Sooo been there before. Gah, it's a sucky feeling.
This is brilliant babe. I love it.
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thank you so much dollface.
(you're really pretty) ;]
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thank you
♥
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i really like this. i like the content, and i love the old school dp of it.
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thank you.
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"colors blossoming into different shades of brilliance."
&&
"And sure enough ill be sprawled on the bathroom floor
wishing that i could somehow dream myself out of this exsistence"
Oh darling;;
I love this.
It's mucho fabulous-o.
and 'exsistence' should be 'existence'
<3
Thanks for entering baby.
♥
~Princess of Shadows~ -
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aww...
hehe thanks. ill change it,
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Don't hurt me, because I am being brutaly honest when I say [type] this. This is Brilliant! Honestly, you are an amazing writter and this has true potential on being the blue ribbin [gold trophy] winner! I know for a fact it beats the living hell out of my entery!
My favorite stanza would have to be
"this night ends ill probably be underneath your covers
and you'll be apologizing for tainting my skin"
But
"ive been wondering why it is that you keep
begging me not to go.
on hands and knees;;
ive never felt so powerful over you"
&&
"hours&&hours will pass
And sure enough ill be sprawled on the bathroom floor
wishing that i could somehow dream myself out of this exsistence"
Are completely fantastic as well ♥
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awww!!!
thank you dollface!!
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You're more then welcome sugar!
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I am back love.
"keep touching me in to walls"
It's gotta be the "in to" thing that keep throwing me off and quite possibly the "touching" word seems strange. Think it might have to do with the idea in general. Just seems like you could have said something else. To maybe add strength and to clarify the image. I've never been a big fan of falling letters but there is something oddly beautiful with the whole stairs word like actual stairs. That's not really a nit-pick just a mention that it usually would break up the flow of the piece too much.
Nice to see that you didn't overkill with "ing" words. Sometimes a poem suffers a lot at the hand of heavy "ing" sounds thrown all over it. This however has just enough to give the piece strength and life.
A well crafted little art showing from you. Almost like a word painting. Something you have always been good at. I also enjoyed the word uses throughout and how you added a little bit of mischief into the trauma of your write.
Lovely girl. Just lovely.
- James
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hahahah i knew the in to would throw you. :]
grammar man
i wanted to make the beating have a sort of softer image to it. Instead of having put throwing in to walls.
but you're right i probably couldve thought up a more creative word for it. :]
" and how you added a little bit of mischief into the trauma of your write. "
ladies man.
:] -
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I see what you mean now. Me stupid el' retardo.
Of course I am a ladies man when it comes to you.
I mean gollies, look at you in the little picture next to your comments. you are like a blond thing gone crazily correct.
two men at once eh? ladies and grammar. I rule.
Because I like that emoticon and never get to use it.
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you are not.
*shocked*
hehe so you're MY ladies man?
awwww...
that is probably the cutest thing ive heard from you by far!
be still my heart.
yes you got a two men commpliment.
=]
LOL
that pill thing is actually cute.
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I just thought to myself "pill, jaunty pill"...LOL. Where the hell was that emoticon when I needed it on my other account.
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hehehe.
jaunty..
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I love the imagery,
so breath taking!
I loved the entire thing except--
"i only hope that someday you'll remember that ((she))you had a good thing going..
until you laid ((eyes)) hands on her"
To me, it just doesn't flow right,
but that's just my opinion.
Other than that I think it was perfectly written ♥
Very heartfelt.
Good luck in the contest <3
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i thought it didnt sound right either. i added the she after i already posted it just to see how it would flow..
i think ill take it away now.
:] -
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Better :]
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tee hee/
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I will leave my note here to remind myself to come back. Not like I'd forget or anything. You being who you are and all...
Laters. I'll leave you goodies and baddies on what I liked and disliked, all because you deserve a decent comment me loves.
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okay love.
:]
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