More than you can see
between both you and me;
a wordless gap of sorts
to claim my painful thoughts.
Between both you and me
are words you cannot see,
they hang between us yet
the silence must be met.
They hang between us yet
those words that make us fret.
The gap gets bigger now
as you extend the row.
This silence means so much
it holds your feeling touch
but there's more than you can see
from here to eternity.
A contest entry
- CONTEST: You Can't Break Me Down.... by PerfectImperfection.
600 points, ended June 11, 2008, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Nice write. This really hit me as I've seen relationships where one side just wishes that they could get closer to the other, but fails to see "The Chasm" that they've created with their previous actions, a chasm that will remain unless they take the steps to remove it. Invisible, yet so definitely there. You captured this idea well for me. Congrats on the honorable mention.
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A sad poem flowing with emotion through well chosen words, leaping over the chasm and appearing here for us to read. Well done...alby
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This is a very well written work, with a vivid concept of the prompt....excellent read...;fnovy
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Pain can be turned into beauty (I think?? LOL) The trophy - well Honorable winner on six entries is an absolute triumph - innit? Thanks for kind comments.
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words wrapped in silence bring so much pain here...the smooth flow of words and the rhyme are appreciable...congrats on the trophy
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I enjoyed the rhyme and order in this piece, and how it conveyed the ever widening gap. The meter seems off on the last line. I'd drop the "from"- reminds me of the movie title and interrupte the rhythmic flow.
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But, you see, that was the point!
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Excellent flow and rhyme....l liked the way you linked each stanza, really gave it a feeling of continuance...tis a painful reminder for me....great work here guv
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Sorry for your painful remembrances but we don't know, do we, who, or even whom, we might touch with our words - and isn't that their magic?
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A very thoughtful piece. Nice repetition to convey the direct appeal from the lyric inspiration. Nicely penned. Thank you for entering!
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The title fits well with the rest of the poem, and the rhyme doesn't seem forced. Good write!
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First off.. I love the title. Great set up for the rest of the poem.. I feel the rhythm and the rhyming add to the poem. Moves the reader along but allowing them to feel the saddness as it hangs there.
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sad
Sad relationships seem to abound nowadays. Often i wonder why we even try. The anguish just rips at us . Perhaps that is why Iam a non-believer of love. Well done poet
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