It seems the world can laugh and wear a smile,
While all I see is veiled in monochrome.
Most other men are happy all the while,
Yet I just sigh and cry here in my home.
I cannot face the future without you
And yet it's certain that will be my fate.
The moment that you died I clearly knew
The rest of life would be the saddest wait.
But never pity me for I was raised
Much higher than the best of men can see.
I would not have one whit of pain erased
For fear I would forget that you loved me.
I ran the race of life and won the gold,
You were the finest gift a man could hold.
Author notes
Kahlil Gibran “…a tear and a smile”
“I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart
For the joys of the multitude.
And I would not have the tears that sadness makes
To flow from my every part turn into laughter.
I would that my life remain a tear and a smile.”
In a list
A contest entry
- A Tear and a Smile - Winklings #93 by Lyndon.
900 points, ended June 24, 2008, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Shakespearean Sonnet Competition: "PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN" WORK ONLY. by Vera Rich.
490 points, ended June 15, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
-
Added later: On reading this again to refine my list of placings I found another slight infelicity which, although slight, does rather break the flow. Namely, that in the first 9 lines, "you" refers to the beloved, but in line 10, the "rest of you" presumably means "everyone else" whom the speaker knows, i.e. NOT the dead beloved. After which, "you" again addresses the beloved. Perhaps you could give this some thought?
-
-
The general you was used in both lines three and ten, and I have been looking for a better solution for a while. I have now modified the sonnet to what I consider the best of those changes. As always thank-you for your insightful comments
-
-
Good job ...
but line ten should be "the rest of them can see". The "you" in this refers to one person, now passed on. It can't refer to the rest of humanity.
Otherwise, well done.
-
This shows an excellent understanding of the Shakespearean sonnet formm - and uses the form to express a message of grief in a controlled artistic form.
One small point: I feel that some people might find the internal rhyme "sigh and cry" a little jangly, and/or perhaps a little too reminiscent of some of the "black humour" mock-tragic song that Scouts and Guides sing (or at any rate used to sing) round their campfires. -
A truly beautiful sonnet! The emotions are vivid and heartfelt. Congratulations on your well-deserved Gold!
-
Technically a solid piece in rhyme and meter, the theme is well suited for the message of Gibran here; but what stands out to me is the passion of the writing, the sense of longing, somewhat rare in my experience to find sonnets that truly sing a song of someone's heart. Thank you for this fine entry into the contest and best of luck in the judging...PK
-
A beautiful sonnet. You took the prompt and made it your own. I don't consider this to be dark but in it's own way, very sad and poignant and you know how much I love the genre.
All the best in the contest
Me
x
-
Your sonnets have improved so much and so quickly. I enjoyed this read and I think you should be proud of it. Bravo!
Love,
Amera
-
wow I am not sure what to really say I have never read that form before and it was some thing that I wouldn't normally read I am more for dark poetry but I am glad I stepped out on a limb and read some thing new it was a little refreshing , I liked this poem I think you did a very good job on it
-
-
I am glad you enjoyed it
I don't write dark very often but if you like the form of this I do have at least one dark piece in the same form
http://allpoetry.com/poem/4231279
-
-
This was indeed a intense piece. Sad and painful to read. I wish you the best with this piece in the contest.
Love
Passions
Adding your comment:
1 - 11 of 11
