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forgotten

 

 

 

 

This line of thread
is thin enough for you
to hide away in your pocket...



I could never breathe ~
untouched

 

 

 

 

 

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Malabu
    June 7, 2008
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    damn...this is good...and with such depth in so few words...your simply awesome girl...yow
    Mal


  • bird at rose
    June 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    You've got it down tightly

    The images I get from this piece allow me to visualize this chain with no relief except to say please. "this line of thread" connects well in the family relations, as well as overlapping wanting softness but the heart of the father isn't cutting that harsh cord between you. Also seems to emphasize that your bond is low, which steps down to being used to less.

    Metaphorically, L3 patterns despair right on the button for me because I know of little things I stick in my vest pocket or such. Then, it loses the snap of memory, covered. He may call you once in a while just to kind of fake what he'd otherwise do. Maybe, if a child, he wouldn't do the natural things of expected time spent together, but just provide food from the wallet to live etc... And, it's like you're too expensive to buy, so you don't get pulled out.

    Love the simplistic admitting in, "I could never breathe ~ untouched," reminding me of how even babies can die or not be as responsive if they don't even get a quick rub. And, as adults, it can be paraphrased by words that reach you, or not.

    Brevity that makes my review long,
    PIA-K


  • perfectsunset gold member
    June 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Aww this was deeply emotional yet you still captured the beauty within and expressed it in such brilliant ways. You show that poems don't need to be so lengthy to express one feeling, your words are enough to fill a novel, being only such limited amount of words. its the meaning behind the words that fill the spaces.

    Beautifully done & best of luck in the contest

  • U.g.l.y.
    June 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    And even this writing won't be read by daddy. Sad, short, to the core... everything. I wonder if I'll compete against you there, mom, you're so great.


  • notorious gold member
    June 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Great take on the prompt (I assumed the prompt was the title).

    Your innovative metaphor weaves this entire poem into a wearable garment (okay, this metaphor to describe yours totally sucked. )

    "to hide away in your pocket..."
    I've noticed you utilize the word 'pocket' quite often in your poems, but always in a different context.

    Nice last stanza...it's unexpectedly self-aware.


  • Cannonsfire
    June 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    How immensely creative Love, C

1 - 6 of 6