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Haunted Innocence

  

  Breath stutters

  upon a burdened breast

 

  I must remind myself

  to breathe deeper than this

 

  [Inhale]

 

  I close my eyes

  but for a moment,

  and once more she appears

           Still she haunts me

 

  Her carefree spirit seen

  in joyful displays of frivolity

  White innocence not marred

  by the years yet to come

 

  Her future screams

  not yet sounding,

  resounding in hollow horror

  of swinging on other's

  twisted tree limbs

                        of terror

 

  A moment more...

  she is still

  that cherished child

 

  [Exhale]

 

  Eyes flutter open

  a quiet moment of relief

  She wasn't here to torment me

 

  Till truth's midnight

         dawns darkly upon me

 

  She left me a long time ago

 

  I must remind myself

  To breathe deeper than this...

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Prompt: Picture
Artist Credit: Rebecca S. Pendel - Witch Cries
url=http://rebecca.my-expressions.com/]becky's blog[/url]

(damn nightmares...sigh... I'm so tired...)

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? • Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 36 of 36

  • Valley Girl silver member
    June 27

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! Very dark and sad! It is so unsettling sometimes when images from our pasts haunt us. Congrats on the silver. ♥


  • Ronaline
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    This is truely beautiful. I enjoyed reading it. I loved the lines "I close my eyes but for a moment,and once more she appears Still she haunts me" It reminded me of the nightmares I used to have and still sometimes have for my friend roxxi who died almost a year ago.

    " I must remind myself To breathe deeper than this..."
    Im sure everyone loves this line and well so do I.

    Thanks for writing a great inspiring piece.

    Blessed be,
    Meagz


  • perfectsunset
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    This was such a beautifully inspiring piece... and that one line in particular was so deeply effective in your poem overall, and really brought that emotional closure

    "I must remind myself

    To breathe deeper than this..."

    So brilliantly creative & a piece to be treasured indefinately.

    Congrats on the silver, but this truly wins gold in my eyes..

    Loved it is!!

  • wanted-forever-now
    June 11
    Edit | Reply
    this was so beautifully written. Im glad it got silver it deserved it.

  • aboomer silver member
    June 10
    Edit | Reply
    oh wow! So powerful! Great wording and depth for that picture!
    Congrats on the Silver!


  • Folklor gold member
    June 10
    Edit | Reply
    wow truly awsome!
    I hope you place in this contest

  • Wayne Leon Learmond
    June 10

    Edit | Reply
    Stunning piece of work here. Very very deep indeed. The darkness, to me anyway, seeps through this. This work is layered and so very well done.

    The imagery stands out and you have caught the atmosphere with this just right. Well done Kiwi. Well done indeed. Good luck in the contest. To me, this is a winner though.

    With
    Dark
    Love
    Wayne Leon

    x


  • PerfectImperfection
    June 10

    Edit | Reply
    Oh wow... This sent shivers up my own spine. Haunting indeed! Such a very intense and powerful write. The imagery and depth are consuming, and truly poignant. Wow!!! I just loved this - amazing write my dear!!!


  • penman gold member
    June 9
    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    Such a powerful take on the image. So full of emotions. Best of luck in the contest.


  • mysticstorm gold member
    June 9

    Edit | Reply
    How wonderful...I know how this feels and often have to remind myself to breath deeper, for I truly find myself holding my breathe too often...beautifully done, dear sister...your words are so haunting and touch the depth of ourselves so well...excellent work...
    Best!
  • abyssal
    June 8

    Edit | Reply
    I always take breathing for granted until something happens that takes my breath away, good or bad.

    This poem seems to me written for both someone in a negative mindset or a positive one.

    Excellent job, the last phrase blows me away.


  • vanessa reen gold member
    June 8

    Edit | Reply
    this is a brilliant write. I loved the inhale and exhale part of this, it worked so well for this write. You have painted such a picture with your words, well done and all the best for the contest.


  • Pure Thought silver member
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    Round up your night mares and let them gallop off into the night. Forever ridding yourself of the burden.
    The time of pain has passed, to carry it forward is only injurious to one's own soul.

    The poem is strongly written, full of emotion and angst. Perfectly penned.


  • Lucy. gold member
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful take on the prompt! This is brilliant. I love the last lines and the repetition of them. Well done.


  • stig
    June 7
    Edit | Reply
    great write well penned lobve the inhale ehale it worked well great write lol xD .x.


  • KayJay46 gold member
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    An uncomfortable vision made beautiful by your words... I find my self breathing with the rhythm of your words... Wonderfully penned!
    Ken


  • my.stars.dont.shine
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    oh my. this is beyond great. wow. i love it. but its so sad..


  • solo wisp gold member
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    aww nightmares ... these are the dreams that try their utmost to gain our attention.

    My Kiwi Queen ... this is a fabulous write! Takes the reader on a journey, through eyes and emotion. Excellent use of inhale,exhale ... yes.

    Hope you are doing well!!!

    and ... and ...


  • Carolina Moon silver member
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    Stunning words as always. Made me want to keep reading. Your talent is in top form my friend. All the best to you!


  • teddybare
    June 7

    Edit | Reply

    exhales painful beauty

    as it breaths life back into the reader thanks as usual the only match for the all out radiance of your writes is the beauty of you


  • Rovingone gold member
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    Enchanting. This poem sounds like the beginning of a wonderful novel. The mystery of the returning child, or was it a lover? Very good,(as always).


  • The Unknown Poet1
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    this is haunting and lovely jacks and nightmares are tiring to say the least. For almost two years I suffered through them a rerappearing dream of an accident I had and ack! The metaphors and imagery displays your talent in this once again, good luck in the contest


  • azlyn gold member
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    Beautifully haunting!!! So many lines in this I adore. I loved the way the breathing deep was included giving the write a direct sense of intensisty. This is a creative and blessed take on the pic...thank you so much for the wonderful read!!!


  • runewalker
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    This Jax, is interesting. Shadow dialogues within, where, when without, pause happens at the intensity of the within moments --- like the feeling of waking in your own bed and having a bolt of panic because you recognize nothing and fear you are somewhere else, and don't remember anything about how you got there... until light happens and awareness surfaces... dreams so absorbing we are there more than here....


    "White innocence not marred by the years yet to come ...hollow horror of swinging on other's twisted tree limbs"

    Would that they be mere learnings, not re-livings.

    Quite. powerful. distressing. resolved.

  • chiefmac
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    What a fun read. The reader is on a wonderful trip to share time with this ghostly child. To swing on trees and become that cherished child. The lovely points where sound and, the target blend for soft tingles for the tongue.


    • kiwigirljacks gold member
      June 7
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks.. I think I may need to revist this if it is 'fun' lol .. it's actually supposed to be a sad haunting personal tale of lost innocence and nightmares..
  • Bob Fox
    June 7

    Edit | Reply

    The heart

    It is so tempting to dream always of a love that never changes. That always shall be . The breath of fresh air and the wonderful feeling of bliss. The kiss. Oh just to touch the face of one and let the hand tremble with everlasting joy


  • mysticstorm gold member
    June 7
    Edit | Reply
    How deeply moving...felt hard and deep within...chilling all the way...totally stunning anjd so well witten...that innocent chils is still deep within waiting for hope and comfort...beautifully done...best...
    mystic


  • midnite wolf silver member
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    wow, that was amazing, so dark, its haunting, a great write about the horrors of nightmares, a subject i can relate to, great piece, xxx


  • PrInCeSsOfRoCk
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    wow that was dark and chilling and amazing....sounds like sum creepy kinda nightmares hun :S awesome write tho!!! loved the ending! damn. if only i could get back in the zone.... *cries* oh well ur rocking it still


  • LadyDementia gold member
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this is stunning! Reflections of times past? So full of feeing. We all still have that child within us, somewhere. A haunting piece with fabulously placed dark undertones. A gripping read hunni, all the best in the contest


  • SweetXDestiny silver member
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    oh auntie
    i love you so much
    i wish i could help you sleep better
    this is very beautiful but so sad

  • CinfullyDelicious
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    damn i know mines pretty good and all hehe but this is just so deep as well as heart-hitting SiS..brilliant and breathing emotion, this is



    hope you do well, she will love this write..and I do understand now you saying the struggle with it....Be proud


    *hu*
    Cin


  • phantasyintrigue-x silver member
    June 7

    Edit | Reply

    Expect a shiny Gold trophy Jacks =]

    Damn, what a title!! Love the title--it's haunting.

    Again, you display your (morphine-ed? HAHA) brilliance when it comes to dark eloquence...e.g.:

    "Breath stutters"
    Speech can be stuttered--the idea of breath being stuttered is so clever I wish I'd thought of it. It's like revealing hesitance in breathing, which is fundamental to living...hesitance in living? Am I getting anywhere here? The fact that I'm getting ANYTHING off just the first 2 words shows what an amazing poet you are--when you pick up a meaning so quickly in just the first 2 words...just wow dude. =]

    "I must remind myself
    to breathe deeper than this"
    The impact of this 2x-repeated mantra/phrase is nice. I like its simplicity and self-awareness.

    You switch between first and third person, which is really interesting--is this somebody reflecting on somebody else, or just a poetic device? It's interesting..

    "She wasn't here to torment me"
    Ooh--are you talking about a past self, another person, or insanity or something I haven't yet covered?

    "Till truth's midnight
    dawns darkly upon me"
    You are too clever!! I love this simple but dark imagery.


    • kiwigirljacks gold member
      June 7

      Edit | Reply
      It's me, reflecting on the younger me... done deliberately so as not to be too obvious..

      Thank you so much for this comment.. means a lot

  • Weltt gold member
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    Wow Jacks....this is just..wow!

    My goal is to one day write with the same emotion that you seem to squeeze out of every word. The first four lines hit me hard sending me flying into the beat of your words. perfect flow to this. Clever word choices and brilliantly creative imagery throughout. I wouldn't be suprised to see this spot lighted as well.

    I'm sooooo glad I didn't write for this contest. Bookmarking this and reading again right now.



    -Dan

1 - 36 of 36