Fathers Day is just a reminder,
To point how alone I really am.
The shallow don't know,
What they really have.
I wish I could open their eyes,
And make them treasure their father.
I don't know this stranger,
That I watched be buried.
He probably didn't know me,
And never will get to.
Would he have loved me?
Or look on me with disgust?
I wanted him to see me dance,
And be on stage.
I wanted him to meet my first boyfriend,
And judge him like dads do on shows.
I wanted him to send me off,
To my future husband.
I didn't know my father,
Only the smell of his aftershave.
I know he must have been great,
Because so many miss him.
I hope he misses me,
In the place he's gone.
Deep down I miss him too.
Author notes
Ok I finally got round to fixing it up. Hope you like the new version.
A contest entry
- Fatherless Day by lively banter.
500 points, ended June 18, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I can relate to this poem very much. I think the new version is a lot better than the original. You allowed yourself to be free from restrictive rhyme schemes. I like your maturity here, wishing people who are more fortunate would appreciate what you have. Actually, I told a couple friends about my dad passing away and how father's day is my least favorite day. They told me they were sorry, and I said don't worry about it, just appreciate your fathers'.
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I think the rhyme here is a tad shoddy. Maybe you might consider doing away with it or possibly trying to make the poem sound less “forced”. I’m not saying free form but maybe you could add more creative rhymes. Words that are a little more unknown and truly unique. I know that is difficult but I think it may also be just what this poem needs. I also found the ending stanza with the repetition of “unknown” to be very strange. Sort of a weak ending. A little work there couldn’t hurt.
If you decide to make changes please feel free to IM either me or kevin and we would be more than happy to return and give it a look.
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Ok I'll get right on it! Re-reading it does make me feel a bit silly now. Thanks again
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You're welcome.
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I think your rhyming scheme really restricted you with this poem. It also totally gave me the complete opposite reaction than you wanted. The rhymes were so silly to me so I was smiling throughout this very sad poem. There's a huge lack of depth here because your rhyming scheme got in the way of the content. Your author's notes are better than the poem, sadly. Try to reverse that
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