Immersed in darkness,
wrapped with insanity's grip.
Blind but not deaf, immobile,
I fear my mind will soon slip.
A rag doll on a shelf,
my life no longer my own.
Daily dusted, vitals checked,
living in horror alone.
A sepulcher holding life,
flesh now simply a tomb.
Silent screams echo aloud,
locked in death's icy womb.
Lingering in now,
yearning for fatal release.
Caught in slow finality,
only my grave will bring peace.
Author notes
PO Contest.
Theme - written by someone with a head injury whose body no longer works but whose mind is still sound and active.
banned words - the, and, is, of, that, to
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended June 9, 2008, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me more! by ASmileForYou.
700 points, ended January 7, 69 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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"locked in death's icy womb"
This is my favorite line. I am in love with this poem. -
Sorry the rules clearly state no trophy winning entries will be accepted.
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Congratulations!
Top three two weeks in a row! Wowza! Keep up the great work!
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oops....forgot these!
lol
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Good job!!
Congrats. on the Silver!! -
Hello :)
Good to see your powerful quill back at work :)
Let's jump right in!
Insanity comes from the mind not being able to coexist in life anymore, except as a veggie.....horrible thoughts......yet Powerful!
Blind COMMA but not deaf
My life no longer MY...........try not to go back to self....as we want to go forward in thought ~
Daily dusted....how freakishly erie....nice job!
Living in horror alone.....ohhhh....how cliche' for this terrific Theme :(
Sepulcher....great break from simple grammatical choices ~
flesh (now) simply a tomb....the next banned word is going to be NOW....Grrr ~
....how about..>>>
flesh, encased within a lighted tomb .....( speaking of eyes, of course )~
Silent screams.....Grrrr.....screams cliche'
locked in deaths icy womb....nice job with the rhyme, but you just went backwards again to reference of tomb ~
Lingering in now.....what about..>>>>......spiritual glances lingering ~
yearning???....would that be more of a physical emotion?.......it can not be, as the body is no longer capable ~
only my grave???....you have already went from tomb, to womb, and now to grave.....you must keep your Reader moving forward :)
only mother earths' depth shall bring me peace ~
OK.......how is that for tearing apart your entry??
Hehe ~
I think this is a fabulous write, but as you can see, I think you have it in your quill to pen this with MUCH more Impact and Power as you intended.....and IMHO, this is the best read thus far.....I have 5 more to go ~
Lasting Impression is not as good as I wanted to see this ended with, yet the Title will bring all of your clever thoughts of deep back to me after the contest....well done ~
Good luck and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 10...perfect -
Flow 9.85
Depth 9.9...for so few lines, nice job -
Theme 9.15....not as original as some......I guess I read a lot....so I know where ilsekine is coming from in her review -
Feelings 9.25....wanted MORE!
Grammar 8.95....cliche' in some parts -
Presentation 9.9
Uncommonness 9.75
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.95
Ability to follow Rules 10...perfect from what I can see -
Bears Score: 96.7
Great job!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hi Bear. This was a tough one and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disapointed. To be so close......... I forget, sometimes that all judging is subjective to a certain extent. It's not always easy to be objective about your own stuff. But I did want to say thank you for my silver, it is an honor. I find myself, at odd times, sitting around thinking of unique themes to write about for these contests. I guess I'm becoming a little obsessive! lol Thanks again, I know these contests eat up a lot of your time.
Take care and God bless
Kathryn
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Hello and welcome back!
How about a little depth next time?
lol....Jeeze!!
Seriously had to shake that one of a bit before I could even start my comment to you. IMPACT....yes, you have got the impact thing all figured out it seems. FANTASTIC!!
I think your theme is also awesome....IF I have seen this before....yours made me forget about it.
Your words are effective to say the least. Hard hitting and demanding a re-read, and then another....
Thank you for paying attention to the rules and proving how they can be followed.... with the end result being an uncommon, well-worded poem. The kind that makes you sit and think a bit after reading....
The title would get a click from me (I have OCD with cleaning and I would have just assumed.... ) Im not sure how many would be drawn to the title alone... BUT for me it seems perfect for the piece. PERFECT. The eeriness of it gives me the heebeejeebees. (if you dont know what that means it simply goes back to the impact thing)
Ok, now I am just rambling, because I really just liked this so much I dont have anything else to say....nothing at all to offer to make it better....what kind of judge am I?? lol GREAT JOB! Loved it, best wishes and good luck!
Jamie
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thank you so much for your comments! I'm really glad you liked it. I really don't know where the idea for this came from. I was trying to come up with something unusual that had impact. I first wrote one about a bar-b-que from the pov of a mosquito. It was ok, but lacking in........ impact! lol! I'm glad this meets up with your approval! thanks again for the comments and the time you take to judge this contest, I know it can't be easy!
Kathryn
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Good to see you again!
Wow...you’ve painted a very stark and rather scary picture of what life would be like for someone in this situation. I have occasionally questioned how I would react if I were in similar shoes...if I have the sort of mental strength I believe it would take to live out life in such a restricted and lonely fashion...but I try not to think of it too often, as I’m sincerely hoping I never have to find out!
I had to read this a few times before looking at your intended theme, as I like to see if a theme comes across without being “explained” first...and I think you did a pretty good job of that. There were several, key phrases that guided me to the same conclusion, such as L3 and the “daily dusted” line. I loved that phrase, btw! Just the correlation of things we dust...and to think of a human the same way...very sad, simply because it fits, and I can well imagine a person feeling that way.
Other than a few punctuation changes to even out the flow, (I’d like to see S1 and S2 read as just 1 sentence) and an occasional “bump” in meter, I don’t have much bad to say about this. I love the depth put into it, there’s a nice mix of show and tell, and it had a good lasting impression in the time between when I first read it and now. Nice job, all around!
Thanks for a great read, and best of luck to you,
~J.
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Thanks for your comments! I always look forward to getting the judges comments almost as much as seeing the final outcome of the contest. I appreciate all the time and effort it takes for you guys to judge all these pieces, it's such a good chance to get the opinion of several knowledgable poets at once. In the end, that's what really keeps me coming back! Thanks again!
Kathryn
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every word hit my head breaking it into pieces....very powerful poem...i like it very much
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This is such a lovely write and I could feel the pain coming across through the words. There were some wonderful lines here, I really enjoyed "locked in death's icy womb", it gives such a stark picture for the reader. "Caught in slow finality, only my grave will bring peace", very eye catching. Well done for this, it is really great and all the best for the contest.
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welcome back....
Nice job on the rules!!
I watched the title keep changing on this...LOL...and wondered what it would end up as.......I like the title, but feel it's almost too vague for this write.
I love your wording, but the theme is very comparable to 'depression', for me - great wording though!
I had trouble with the Caps every other line - made it feel like short sentences and broke the flow for me. And they weren't complete sentences. So I feel this would be much stronger with comma's and no caps on every other line. Just my feeling on it.
A strong write on emotion and images - well done!
best wishes in the contest
hope to see your talents return!
My scores will appear with final remarks
**Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Hi, and welcome to the POW contest!
Rules and regulations: check! Well done!
This is a fantastic write. I don't know how unique others will find this theme, but it works for me.
The off-handedness of the title is almost brutal in its starkness, and anyone browsing titles would be very surprised at what they found. I guess I'm saying, the title works really well, once you have read the poem, but it doesn't give any clue prior to that.
Rhyme is good, meter is a bit off, but the work doesn't really suffer from it.
In all aspects, this is a powerful, well-written, frightening, intriquing poem. Well done!
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest.
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Aloha and welcome!
This is a well penned piece...
I like the emotion. You have managed to edit out those pesky filler words...the theme is not extremely unique to me....but I read and write a lot...I don't think this has been done from this POV....nice flow
and rhyme...
Hope to see you and your talents back again...
There are several more judges, following me, with
many more comments...Thanks for entering!
Write on!
*PEACE*
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented on your work!!
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Vivid and so very stark. It touched a deep and sensitive core. As a disabled person who faces this on a smaller level, you spoke right into my soul. Good luck, this is stunning.
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you used the banned word in the last line. Perhaps you could change it to something like
Only my grave will bring peace
Only a silent grave will bring peace.
Either or works..
Great job here, a bit dark, but still, a really good piece!
-Les Good luck -
In that case, I'll reserve the rich praise I was planning of giving you
at least until it's finished...
K
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All done!! I changed the name.... again!
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Much darker than I thought at first... almost defiantly sad... Beautiful form and flow... like tears...
Ken
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