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I Heared You Call My Name

I heared you call my name
with the breath inside
I saw your breath
but I couldn't subscribe
I thought it was close to death
I found out it was time to describe
I heared you call my name
with the murcy inside
will you help me
stay alive
I didn't hear you call my name
I didn't see your breath
I still didn't hear you call my name
I found out it was time for death
I heared you call my name.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • xgivenxupxonxlovex
    June 12
    Edit | Reply

    work

    hey sis needs a little work if ya need help holler k love ya


  • eltortedequeso
    June 11

    Edit | Reply
    Nice job here. The only thing that I got snagged on was the word "Heared". Other than that, a very strong poem full of emotion. Well thought out and executed. Thank you for entering this!

  • CookieZeal Greeters member
    June 9

    Edit | Reply
    Nicely done overall. I know about this feeling.
    I especially liked this image:
    I didn't hear you call my name
    I didn't see your breath     Well done there.

    *Oopsies*
    Misspell- I'm sure you meant 'heard', not 'heared'.
    Also, I would not do much of the 'I' and repeating of the same words so that the strength of the message comes through. Repeating can dilute it.

    A little nip and tuck could make this one stand out.
    Thank you for sharing.!




  • mrocun
    June 6

    Edit | Reply
    This is a cool, but dark, poem.
    The spelling needs a bit of touching up but it's good.
    Nice work.
    Samuel
  • angelbaby2014
    June 6
    Edit | Reply
    i like it
  • angelbaby2014
    June 6
    Edit | Reply
1 - 6 of 6