Mingled thoughts; abrasions
Through tufts of puffing smoke
Burning, the nicotine apathetic
Whittles away years
I probably won’t need
More or less miss
For the ones passed
Are gluttonously stuffed
With blurred moonlight
Unbecoming, rapturous howls
Wrapped gruffly in your burlap skin
Made velvet
Only by cancerous perfume
Chains, barbwire, razor wire
Adorned, I could sugar coat this
Endlessly
But only endlessly the unspoken
Would grievously haunt
What years not sacrificed
By the bittersweet addiction
No future
For the present lay
So beautifully wrapped
Amnesia, I almost forget
Just another cigarette burn
Ashes on a tear stained pillow
Author notes
enjoy.
A contest entry
- Dirty like this... by AJ Morelli.
3300 points, ended July 9, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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nice use of sound: thoughts, tufts, puffing, gluttonously stuffed, blurred, burlap... lots of L's and U's, give this an internal rhythm...
i do think this reads a bit melodramatic and "agnsty"... not sure if you write lyrics (i did for a long time) but some things that work as lyrics aren't well suited for poetry...
phrases like:
"cancerous perfume" and "the bittersweet addiction" are specific examples of this...
at my age there are no years that i don't need, some i need back though...
if i had only one comment to make i'd like to see you make this a bit more conversational and a little less "poetic"
thanks so much for entering and i hope to see you again in future contest
al
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reading your work again has brought back the reason why I started reading it in the first place
Astounding!
you manage to put so much in your writes and they all come about so perfectly in the last stanza - well done I enjoyed this one thoroughly!
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A wicked write. Love the darkness to this! The last verse in particular stood out for me. An awesome read hunni
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Wonderfully dark *devilsmoking* and so close to my heart (or lips, I guess more properly
) Excellent write!
Ken
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