he asked me without a choice,
what was my age, with an aging voice,
its those calls three minutes and under that twist,
those years of not talking who would have missed,
slowly shuddering as i hang up once again,
not even a thought of being a close friend,
as his dad did to him,
our friendship is close to grim,
but why put the blame on one another,
as i ask if you know what it is like to be kin,
with our lives both busy and dull,
in a room together no words but a lull,
so once again its the same old ending,
to feel feelings is to be good at pretending...
A contest entry
- Fatherless Day by lively banter.
500 points, ended June 18, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Not your conventional poet but a solo musician also
Comments
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"to feel feelings is to be good at pretending..." Sorry you had this kind of relationship with your dad but it's certainly a good way of putting it.
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Honestly I found the rhyme choices to be much better than most but I also don’t understand the use of a lot of filled out lines before them. By the time you’ve read the longer lines you’ve chosen in you poem, the rhyming sounds carried are already gone. I don’t know much about rhyming poetry but I know that it should carry sound fluidly and without making it hard to hear each rhyme. Best suggestion would be to consider if you want the rhyme or not.
If you do decide to make any changes to this piece please feel free to IM either me or kevin and we would be happy to come back and reread.
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This is one of the better rhyming poems in this contest, but that isn’t saying much. Don’t let your rhyme schemes get in the way of your poem, you got to be careful with that. It’s just becomes way too predictable and creates some odd sounding lines like “its those calls three minutes and under that twist, those years of not talking who would have missed” Oh and you forgot the apostrophe in “it’s” in that line too. There is potential here. Thank you for entering.
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