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shoot an apple off my head

i breathed
            your  golden hair
  and infatuated    all        my senses
eyes                    deep
      intowaters of          green    and silverandblue

            wise as      twice      the sun
give      a      stare        of solid              truth
    never
          fade
                     
                      theyopen
              under                   
              water

and
                  swiminwavesofoblivionas
      i        watch,
              aglow

Author notes

this is the feeling clocks gives me.

in a different zone, like someone could "shoot an apple off my head"

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 7 of 7
  • ea silver member
    August 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow, weird and different, especially illuminated by your author's note. Is that line not something you might consider adding to the poem itself - perhaps as a final line?

  • houseandcloud
    June 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The spacing did bother me, and I hate saying that because I feel like I'm having a closed mind, but I really don't think that's it. It's just not my thing, but that's okay. There were still good things in this for me.

    I agree that wise as twice the sun was great, as well as they open underwater--which was beautiful in a really simple, understated way. Thanks for entering.


  • unbroken record
    June 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    holy fuck. okay. so normally the spacing would bug me, but i have a hard time breathing with this, i bite and inhale against it and i love that. wise as twice the sun is stunning. this is stunning.


    • acoustical
      June 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      hey, you. commenting on my stuff.

      ...became a gold member?

      • unbroken record
        June 7, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        hey, sometimes i realize i'm a bad friend.

        and i wasn't exactly meeting the 4:1 comment poem ratio. more like .9:1, which is not so good. i felt obligated. also, might be coming out with a book within the year, so it seemed like an okay idea.


        • acoustical
          June 7, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          yr not a bad friend. don't be ridiculous.

          sweet, you'd best send me a copy.


  • Tinkerbell-Or-Me
    June 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    theyopen
    under
    water

    and
    swiminwavesofoblivionas
    i watch,
    aglow"


    i like the way you wrote this.
    it was all confused and stretchy and beautiful.
    good job

1 - 7 of 7