Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Daddy Why?

Daddy you've got me thinking,
Thats all I'm just wondering,

I'm wondering if you even care,
This isn't fair,

You let me down once again,
Like you've done back then,

You left me here in tears,
Filled with so many fears,

You get me asking myself why,
While you make me waste away in sigh,

I love you daddy,
Im sorry,

Here is my last goodbye.

what do you think of this poem?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Kram
    February 6
    Edit | Reply
    iam sure you can do better ..so try again ...


  • parachute fog
    October 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    the emotional value of the piece seems to be taken away with the cheap hallmark card style rythmic patern

    tears/fears
    care/fair
    why/ sigh.

    however, i can sence this is a somewhat personal piece, so my critique perhaps should not be taken too seriously.


  • PrabhuDayal Khattar silver member
    August 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You are sad..and words are sad..and yet it is the truth..a sad truth told in poetic words..touching piece is here...


  • firefly53633
    August 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Ok!

    I think I get your meaning here. Sad and unnerving!
    There are a few things I would seriously look at if I were you. First, grammar. Second, punctuation! Lastly, the reader has difficulty following the thought you are trying to convey here. I think if you re-work it...it would be a powerful poem!

  • Ace - LightWithinMe
    August 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hello.

    This is obviously a personal write, aren't they all, but this more so, due to the content. I mean no offence at all, and I can understand not wanting to change such a personal expression of what you feel, etc, etc, so please take my words for the 2 cents that they are, apart from the spelling, hahaha.

    "Thats all Im" should be "That's all I'm", although I have to say the actual line itself doesn't read quite right to me.

    Other "Im" should be "I'm", it is shortened from "I am".

    "This isn fair", compromises the rhythm structure as it is far less in syllables than other rhyming lines. It should also be "isn't" short for "is not".

    "Like youve" should be "you've" short for "you have", although the line would read better, "like you did back then". Again personal expression not taken into account.

    The most interesting line to me is the "Im sorry". It reads, like you are blaming yourself for your father letting you down, justifying him letting you down, by stating it is your fault and you deserve it, thus you are apologising. If he left you in tears and fears, then obviously he isn't there, which means that his departure you have blamed on yourself. I could have analysed that line wrong, so my apologies if I did do. This write does leave many questions indeed, not a good or a bad thing, just an observation.

    I think you can really expand on this, and pour a lot more of yourself into it, but due to the content, it is in part therapeutic, so you will do when you are ready to. I wish you well on your journey, and once again no offence was intended.

    My regards.


  • Manda Kathryn Greeters member
    June 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Welcome to AllPoetry

    A very emotionally heart tugging poem you have penned, the ending leaves it open for death or something else.
    Well penned

    ♥
    Enjoy AllPoetry
    Stay safe
    ~Manda
    Site Greeter

1 - 6 of 6