Street corners gritty city
sparkling stars crunching underfoot
beneath my shoes, and ladies in sky
are wisps of acrid smoke
from homemade pipes. She is tired tonight.
Tall buildings with barred doors
one way in and out, sleepy little man
nodding in the doorway booth,
improved security - like the war on terror.
And I am the fly stuck in water
surface tension and wet wings
struggle unavailing, every movement
seems to bring eyes closer
like blood in the water, and
that final fingernail.
Waiting for a lift,
waiting for the stopped lights
waiting, waiting, waiting for ringing bells;
fire alarms sound all around noise and echoes
no one else seems to notice, happens again, today.
Sometimes in the most unusual moments
when so much more seems to be whirring in air
busy sounds and clatter, a mind turns away
to peaceful parts of another day; past or future
may not be immediately known.
It is a pause
a moment of deeper reflection,
a breath
for sake of those and dear who have left life.
[and I have the feeling of stars shining
staring down on me, cold pale light]
Behind remembrance when sadness has grown
to glad to have known, I smile and think
what would she say now
might he make that familiar half smile?
Now that I am standing here, remembering love.
Author notes
Used:
She is tired.....
...blood in water....
A contest entry
- Shark Bait -PIF by CarolDesjarlais.
700 points, ended June 8, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I keep coming back to this one and wanting to comment, but finding that there are so many wonderfully done elements here, that I hate to just skip over with some quick, "nice poem" comment.
Okay, where do I start?
First off, the opening lines are a fine piece of description. The description of the ladies as pipe smoke was so telling. In my mind, I pictured your speaker, eyes upward, mesmerized, perhaps intoxicated, by lots of brightly lit billboard ladies, while the stars--what one might normally expect to arouse skyward wonder--were being trampled underfoot. The sound there, of the stars "crunching" was magnificent upon the senses. It makes me literally cringe to read it. The "crunch" of something so marvelous as a heavenly body beneath one's foot is disturbing. And yet, so apt here, for "she was tired tonight." By juxtaposing the trampled stars with the tired lover, it made me feel somehow she was disregarded, lost amid all the other distractions of the city (the city here, being taken both metaphorically, and literally). That's what this reader read, anyway.
It was skillful, I thought, the way you went immediately from the description of the city to this seemingly "misplaced" tag about her being tired. It seems so out of place, and yet, that is EXACTLY what makes it's placement here PERFECT!!! My favorite part of the whole poem!
Then you went to the description of what I assumed to be an apartment building. I had to chuckle at the "war on terror simile," one, because of the sarcasm, but two because it seemed very indicative to me of your person, as the author. Like you just "had to throw that in." In tone, it didn't seem to match the rest of the piece, (just my opinion) but I enjoyed it because it gave that extra little dash of PK in there. Had to smile!
And Oh! That fly in the water! I tell you, I just couldn't get away from that image of him being trapped by the surface tension. You are speaking of this seemingly common, but emphasized experience of waiting, especially amid the "hurry" of city life. And yet you throw in this amazing image with an abstract sort of feel. It added such impact to the feeling of being completely engulfed in the city, by the city. The "blood in the water" was interesting to me. Seemed almost plague-like, to my reading. Especially with that image of the fingernail (cosmically giant in size to the fly)--as if, at any moment, it were going to come up and flick the poor, little, drowning guy away. "I am the fly . . ."--just awesome!!!!
The slowed pace that begins at "Sometimes in the most unusual moments . . ." and carries on throughout the remainder of the poem was marvelously done. You did this in two ways. One, the in depth description which moved quickly changed to more reflective pensiveness. You also used line breaking to slow everything down. Those super short "it is a pause" and "a breath" lines, really gives the reader pause along with the speaker. So skillfully done! And the reflection, the thoughts are so beautiful. The stars are prominent now, and in the sky, not underfoot. As if those dear ones now hold their proper place, and look down at the speaker, who is changed, if not completely, at least in those treasured moments when he finds himself "behind remembrance".
I love the reality of those lines "when sadness grows to glad to have known." I had to really pause there and do a bit of my own reflecting. That's such a hard place to get to, I think, but an important one for personal growth. It often takes a lot of circumstance to take us there. Some introspection, too. And I love how the woman comes back into the poem here, in his pensive moment (for when else could she?), and he seems to know that she might see him differently now, there would be the half-smile, and she would like what she sees. She would like seeing him there . . . stars overhead . . .I think. It is completely unspoken, but you leave the reader with this grand assumption: She would not be tired tonight. SOOOOO beautiful, PK. I'm really quite in awe.
An amazing piece of poetry.
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oh nice off the edge write for this...ty for entering.
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What a wonderful story..
Sometimes in the most unusual moments
when so much more seems to be whirring in air
busy sounds and clatter, a mind turns away
to peaceful parts of another day; past or future
may not be immediately known.
I love those lines..very strong poem..I love it..best of luck
Ruby
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Now I am standing here remembering love...a fainted smile when least expected! What a love it must have been...in the chaos of life...somethimes memories come flooding in from nowhere! ~Sie
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Very descriptive write. Love the story. Actually hope to read more. Like lots. Good luck and write on. One.
Dez
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