It wasn't supposed to be like this
Desperation never felt so cold
It's usually a little more hot
Like the way your mouth felt
Or your hands sliding over me
The way your eyes turned me to molten lava
Or even our (my) first time making love
It wasn't supposed to be like this
With you so far away
And me still standing here
In a relationship that made me feel
More alone than when I am alone
I miss you
I miss your scent
And your smile
And your eyes
And your hands
The way your arm made the perfect pillow
And how it felt to lay my head against your chest
And splay my fingers across your belly
And laugh with you
The way our hands fit so perfectly
And how you always looked at me
Whether I was beside you or behind you
Just to make sure I was there and okay
The way you made me feel wanted and safe
And loved and cherished like no other
The way you made me feel like a woman
Fierce and sexy
It wasn't supposed to be like this
But it is
And there's no going back now
A contest entry
- >>Inlove & Alone by Lislaine.
457 points, ended June 5, 2008, 20 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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This poem is PERFECT, as i read it brought me back to a time and place when i layed with someone i loved, and how we lost eachother.
kudos<3
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To be honest, I've never liked poetry that's blatantly about a relationship or relationship problems. I think you have potential, but if you want to really show it, I think you should delve more into literary tropes, imagery, symbolism, metaphors, etc. Maybe read a little more of the classic poets to get an idea.
But, all the criticism aside, this does have potential. I particularly like the line "Or even our (my) first time making love". The use of brackets works very nicely.
Good work, and keep writing
~Kevin {FallOfRome}
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c lear
This is a very clear piece, although I would urge you to play with imagery and language more. I love the sentiment I describes things so vividly, however I would love to read more formal experimentation, more uniqueness in the use of language. This is all just a personal preference in how I like to read. I hope that you would consider it and possible experiment more. I highly recommend reading a little E.E. Cummings or some Pablo Neruda for the sense of uniqueness that I am talking about. A play on words, an unusual rhythm that changes the tone. I don't however want to diminish the how pure your sentiment is and how sweet the poem reads, merely to introduce you to new ways of using language. Over all I think that what you wrote had a lot of merit to it.
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I think you have done a great job describing the long distance relationship. I suppose, somewhere, somehow they have worked out. Still, I've yet to personally know anyone (or have been in any) relationships that have endured hen the involved parties have to deal with long term separation... I imagine military families deal with it all the time though... something to chew on there.
Great job.
s and best wishes always... ~Genie~
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lines 11 & 12 touched on something I've been feeling lately-possibly in a different context though. Sweet write. :-)
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Yes..you have beautifully described the beauty of the lover..and the qualities of the beloved are imaged with a wonderful manner bringing the truth of the love..a heart warming description crafted by the soul of the poet..well done..and thanks for sharing it...
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Wow, that's such a sad piece...I could feel the love in every line...the imagery was beautiful. My favourite one was of "The way you made me feel like a woman- Fierce and sexy". It's just....wow. I'm glad you won a trophy on this one you deserve it. :-)
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Wow very nice, I think many can relate to these feelings, including me!
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Very good content and flow. You didn't feel any forced words at all when reading this. The voice was well done and I enjoyed it very much.Pen on...~Poo~
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love it
I know this feeling -
oh this was so meaningful. Havent we all felt that one at one time or another. We go into relationships so full of hope and certainty, and we fall so hard when it changes. Write on.
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.........WOW
I have not read the other contest entries but I know this exact feeling and I could not expressed it better if I had written it myself. You'd get a gold trophy from me!
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boy, this is certainly that, unfortunately i can relate all to well. it is even worse when one is alone even though the loved one is sitting right next to them. thank you for sharing this with me and congratulations on the bronze trophy you nave earned in this contest. viyanna rosemarie
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very nice Ash, well deserved win
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wow this is really powerful
best lines: "In a relationship that made me feel
More alone than when I am alone"
great job!
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WAW... amazing...really wonderfull...hope you had fun and GOOD luck thx 4 entering
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