A Soft Sound
Of One's Last Breath
Nothing More Heard.
A contest entry
- Taboo Haiku by Bitter Irony.
450 points, ended June 9, 2008, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
how does this poem make you feel..........
Comments
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I like the darkness of this haiku, but I think it would be more effective if it were more personal. Instead of "one's" last breath, say "my" or "your": even "his" or "her" makes the poem feel like it was written from someone in particular, which makes it that much more powerful. When it comes to poetry, specific is almost always better than vague.
Thanks for entering the Taboo Haiku contest, and good luck!
~Bitter Irony -
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when a person reads words likle 'one's own breath' they are ment to read it like they are saying it... so it is implying that the reader is the person in the stroy or poem...... srry i understand what you say but after thought.... i dont think i would change it..... thank you for reading my poem and taking time to share your thoughts....
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