where we hide what we
want nobody to see,
i found you,
tucked beneath the sawdust.
i know you, raphael,
the way i know
which lingering edge shears words
and miscolored skin
on rainy days,
the way you rest like ashes
inside of me.
it's quiet and i'm always
finding you:
your eyes a desert
shriveling inside racquetballs,
your mouth pressed drunkenly
to the giggling of the stairs,
your ribs the dust
that blurs around the corners
of the world.
our breaths mate
in the folds of my palms.
and when it's cold, raphael,
sing me to sleep -
your voice sounds kind of like
an angel's
Author notes
a long long time ago, when i was bad my mom used to leave me in the garage for hours (until i was tall enough to reach the opener button). & when that happened, i used to amuse myself by talking to angels.
& i'd forgotten all about that 'til the prompt reminded me. x)
A contest entry
- TI8 - Round 10 - Top 4 - Finale - Assignment 2 by Tangled Angle.
1400 points, ended June 15, 2008, 4 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critique:
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Wow you know my day is getting better just by reading your poetry. I liked how you said you used to amuse yourself by talking to angels. Because i used to do the same thing also. Not angels though, fairies is what it was for me.
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the first two stanzas had an awkward flow - like i just found myself stumbling. but stanza three picked up - very fluent, strong, powerful and well developed metaphors and images. the ending was a "wow" but pulled the whole poem together nicely.
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I didn't like the break up between lines one and two, the 'we' seems to just dangle. (Petty thing really)
Stanza three is my favorite, your imagery and emotion are overflowing - so much so that I almost feel this stanza can stand alone.
The ending was sweet, not as powerful as I would have liked but at the same time it worked well here -
haha, i didn't realize i already commented it. well, i still like it
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hahaha... thanks.
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i really liked the second stanza. it drew me in.
the whole thing is so beautiful. dayumn.
-cassidy
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after i read this the title ment a lot,
which is of course how it should go
i disagree with you about my prompt, this would've
been a hard one for me! anywho, the poem itself
is awesome! i'm glad to be amoung such great writers!
peace to all ~flight
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wow. your poetry is very very impressive. this is fabulous.
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this is so fantastic... i'm starting to get really stressed about teen idol now, haha
but really, a great poem. i enjoy everything i read by you
-cassidy
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oh God, how could she have done that to her own little angel? For what it is worth, darling, your writing is immensely powerful and strong, beautiful and almost lyrical...I love this poem. It is one of the best I've read today and probably will be the best tomorrow too
Never stop writing. Your voice rings true in poetry...
Love, Lane
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