i sat on the rim of womanhood
nervously gripping the tile with my toes
those ceramic ages stretching
beneath this standstill.
life is a circle, like a toilet seat
and through it’s open mouth
i fell. i felt mirrors twisting
inside my torso, warping
demanding my whimpers.
i gazed between my legs
in nervous wonder. poppies
spilled from the meadow
of a childish womb,
liquid blooms wavering
in porcelain seas.
Author notes
the bathroom.
critques.
peace to all ~flight
A contest entry
- TI8 - Round 10 - Top 4 - Finale - Assignment 2 by Tangled Angle.
1400 points, ended June 15, 2008, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
honesty
Comments
-
i loved the imagery in your opening - it set the tone for the rest of it really well.
the middle was good - but i agree with melissa, line one just sounded weird.
the last stanza had a well developed metaphor, as melissa said.
yeah, pretty much everything melissa said, is exactly what i was thinking.
-
Really like the opening image, to me it has many different connotations.
Then we go on to stanza two and line one doesn't work at all for me. Its not as fluid as the rest.
Stanza three is good, definitely more unique and has a more full bodied metaphor feel to it.
Overall it is well done, not as strong as some of your others though -
the ending imagery is just amazing; i loved it. man, that bathroom prompt was, to me, the hardest out of all he gave, & this is simply mind-blowing.
Adding your comment:
