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Corded Life

Frozen droplets ,
drizzling on brackish lips.

While the sunset hums,
beneath the silver cords.

Fastening her soul,
to the interminable sky,
from her lover’s soul.

Author notes

25 words no more no less


Prompt


Crystallised tears flowing on my salty lips...Amai Kanashimi

A contest entry

Please critique my work if you feel this needs improving

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9
  • sheshe143
    August 4, 2008
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    true talent


  • Livingemptyspaces
    June 20, 2008

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    The language you use here is beautiful hun. As well as your take on the prompt.. Dear god, I don't think I could write a more beautiful piece. Great job on the gold and hope to read more from you soon!.

    -Livingemptyspaces


  • FunnelWaxFate
    June 19, 2008

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    Ahoy, there! Oh, this is a glorious piece, the language is so stunning and vivid…very skilled and masterful use of language. I love the imagery, too, and the tone. The tone is quite exhilarating, makes the heart sort of start to pulse, just in that…thrilled state of awe. I loved “interminable sky” that to me, was just, genius, and “brackish lips” I saw these dried up, dark toned lips, begging desperately for hydration, and the frozen beads of water simply sliding over them, tormenting…The only faint issue I had was at the end line, where I felt "from" might be more effective if it were “of” instead. Although, it is still quite effective as it is. That’s probably just me. Anyhow, I am amazed by the delectable, metaphoric passion and power of this piece. It is absolutely amazing…well done!!!!


  • Re-invention silver member
    June 8, 2008
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    wow great take on prompt!


  • crazymomma
    June 7, 2008
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    Lovely imagery and nice metaphore.


  • crimsondew
    June 5, 2008
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    Congrats on gold!


  • Sweet Sorrow
    June 4, 2008

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    Excellent! the use of methapors contribute to the smooth flows of this poem, great imagery as well. Thank you for sharing and goodluck.

  • crimsondew
    June 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful imagery ...love this..All the best!

1 - 9 of 9