A piece on His chessboard,
knocked off by two jesters
masquerading as black knights
without a bullet of regret.
Falling upon
the park’s gentle green;
time crawled lethargically.
A sickening horror film
without cameras.
Author notes
I.L.M., Rachel Joy Scott, the first student killed at Columbine... our school recently had the "Rachel's Challenge" program visit, with Rachel's uncle as the speaker, which was a very moving experiance for me.
I chose the title, because it sounded like it might be the name of a chess piece, and also, I believe it describes the death that Rachel died -- persecuted for her faith.
[[TWISTEDWHISPERS]]
In a list
A contest entry
- PIF!! by CyanideKisses.
525 points, ended June 26, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Round Contest! Round 1 of 4. Everyone welcome. by FightOffYourDemons.
350 points, ended June 11, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite Craze Contest by angela.di.carta.
550 points, ended June 29, 97 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is most welcome.
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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I wonder why this hasn't won anything in the contests you've entered for it. I personally don't utilize religion in my work because I feel it invites conversation that I am not interested in having with strangers. However, this poem correctly gives insight to your faith without making it the focal point of the poem at large. I enjoyed the emotion within the work although remembering the Columbine shootings still leaves me feeling sick. The added touch of the formatting adds an additional layer to this work. All in all, very nicely done!
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Brilliant!
This is so well done that I can't believe you didn't win a trophy for this! Loved the metaphor & the picture you tell of this tragedy in such a dramatic way. This is a wonderful write for a sad & horrific occurrence. Thanks for sharing! I like the fact you pictured His Chess Board, though life in Him is not a game & people will soon find that out! All the best poet!
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Wonderful and logical (like chess) write here. I really liked the way you compared it to the game. So many of our lives are knocked away like chess pieces, which for those psycho killers is a game for them.
excellent write
-GL in contest -
Appreciation!
Thank you for this sad but heartfelt contribution to The Poetic bandit's reading list
~Lilac
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So sad it was and is today
I feel for all who are taken so young this is a good write
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I like this description of what happenned at Columbine. The first stanza's metaphor works so well. I'd like tho see a version of this where this metaphor is sustained through the whole poem.
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This is so sad. I commend you for remembering Rachel. She was a martry of the highest degree. Bless you.
- joanne -
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I remember Columbine... and I don't think anyone should ever forget it. I live about 30 minutes from the school and am fortunate enough that I didn't go there at that time. This poem is incredible and I'm sure if it could be shared with her uncle, he would love it just as much as I did. Very well done
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Wow, Sharcu... it's great that you weren't going there at the time. I'm hoping that her uncle comes back to our school next year (I believe it's a 2 part program, though I could be wrong), and if he does, I plan to slip it to him.
Thanks =)
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powerful words. They seem really carefully chosen. This poem has an obviously powerful and sad emotion behind it. Although i have to say it may not have been the best choice for my contest if you believe it is not your best i still think it is very good. Thank you for the entry
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this is a good peomabout a true event, my congrats.
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Thought the metaphor used here worked well, you did an awesome job relating her life to the moves on a chessboard - one never knows what is coming next, and where one will end up.
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thank you
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well first off i will say nice one for the large font my eyes are all mad so that certainly helps. i like the chess imagery used here and that of jesters and knights, that works well. a good ending too, strong language used effectively.
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thank you
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I really like the depth in this poem... the italicised words really added to the effect of the poem - even if this isn't up to your standards, it is still a very well written poem - the middle stanza is my favorite and I love what you have done with the chess imagery
Keep writing
Polly
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thank you, very much
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Thank ytou for the autho notes. Columbine is an awlful thing that happened and situations like that are on the rise. The best thing we can do is protector our schools as best we can.
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Agreed thank you for your lovely comment
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Modern Martyrs need to be acknowledged and appreciated so that their sacrifices was not done in vain, and so others can learn from their experiences.
I like your description of the Columbine shooting.
Bandits Rock!
Dennis
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I agree, Dennis... modern day martyrs do need some acknowledgement... I think the problem is that the connotation of the word suggest men that lived before 1000 AD, who now only live in stained-glass windows.
Thank you for your kind comment
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First off, writing about any death, is hard. I've lost so many close ones of my own, even strangers that I did not know. However, it is always nice to keep their spirit alive in poetry, and our thoughts. What happened at Columbine should be a lesson to any other school in the nation, about looking out for kids and not ignoring all the signs that we display. I'm just sorry that this was someone you may or may not have known, and that she died because of her faith. This should be a message to anyone still inschool, and anyone whom doesn't realize how today's society is changing. Great write, and i hope you find the right words soon, though I see this as finished as it is.
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This an excellent piece. I really liked the metaphor of the chess board that you used to tell the tragic story. I don't write free verse very often, but when I do, I use a style similar to yours in this fine piece: brief, but with as much punch in those lines as possible.
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aww this is beautiful, such a good dedacation,
to the girl, i love the poem,
keep penning, ily.
kitty xxx -
I think that this was well done. You chose an original way to explain all that happened, and yet you didn't go into too much detail. The words you chose, I found fitting, it described a lot without saying too much. Great write!
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Very deep words here...
I remember this, and it still saddens my heart of such losses. I commend you for opening up and writing from your heart about this. lovely pic of such a beautiful girl.
Great imagery and looking forward to reading more.
-e
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I want to tread lightly here, there is a lot of emotion in this. You jave some good images, but I think it could do with some editing to make the piece more effective.
a piece on a chessboard,
knocked off by jesters
without a bullet of regret,
she fell upon
the gentle green
in slow motion,
terror rolled
like a scene
in a sick horror film
I don't know...something along these lines.
feel free to tell me to jump in a lake..or something.
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thank you for your great suggestions I'll definately keep them in mind. I usually don't edit while entered in contests, but once they close, I'll do some editing
thanks again,
Zach -
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You're welcome, and thanks for being a good sport.
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Great job here. Maybe because I am part of the beat generation, but this didn't feel slow to me, I could read it with a beat and faster. Which definitely didn't go with the poem, but it was still amazing. Good luck in the contest.
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hmm.. thank you for your kind complement.
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defiantely not what i expected. but it is very good. =] thank you so much for enter this. good luck.
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I'm glad it's okay... it's been on my mind, and I just recieved 2 books about her today.
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piece
fall
time
regret
sick
you can use the words in different ways sick = sickness i just cant think of what its called right now. lol.
good luck! -
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thank you being able to change the tense was my saving grace here
word bank words are ital.
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