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still a boy, dancing

father
you carry experience
like dead weight

captured in time
by the paranoid
noose

a silent crackpot
fear your only release

 


in the microcosm
of your fantasy
this is not so

 

 

mother like a
jubilant sage
bewitching your
every move

but I see
beneath your
fragility

how you remain
ever-wounded
always the epicenter
of fault

still a boy dancing
with traumatized breakfast
parties and clenched fists

 


I've longed to know you
but cannot find the heart
to connect

half a century of
beleaguered tenderness
stretched between us

 


we are strangers-

 

one of us caught
in ignorance

the other too far gone

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 31 of 31

  • untitled.
    May 4

    Edit | Reply
    So... I kinda love this. You nearly painted my father with this, just forgot :

    soundless, you mold the
    contours of my guilt-ridden flesh,
    as mother lays comatose
    in a room that doesn't stink
    of your forbidden love.

    This piece really seeped in, and gnawed on my heart-strings. Lots of memories. I love the structure, compact, but powerful. Love your style. I'm going to favorite you now. Congrats on gold and silver. You deserve them.

    ~S.


    • loschung
      May 19
      Edit | Reply
      Sorry for not getting back to you sooner, I don't always come on here and when I do it's usually to talk to my friends and not to post, however I've kept your comment in the back of my mind. So here I am, a little late, but late is better than never.

      Thanks so much for such an honest and well-thought comment. It's not everyday you get those on AP. I will definitely be around to check out your stuff when I get the chance.

      And to reply back, I think this could be anyone's father. Behind the fakery of suburbia, many families are not the "Leave it to Beaver" gang. Life isn't that easy. With all the stress and worries that permeate through daily life, there is just no way anyone can be that happy or that perfect.

      Don't get me wrong, I'm happy, but sometimes when I look at my parents, I see the confusion that tears them up inside, the past etched deeply and sometimes painfully across their faces.

      It saddens me, but at the same time, there is nothing I can do about their struggles. It is there road to walk, their journey to accomplish.

      Once again, thanks for stopping by.

      • untitled.
        May 20
        Edit | Reply
        I very much agree with you. And I must apologize for my late reply; it appears AP didn't send me the note of your response directly, lol. No matter.

        Thanks so much for your message, I'm glad you enjoyed mine. I'll read your newest soon enough. And thanks for favoriting me, ^_^. Hope you're well.

        ~S.


  • poetryality silver member
    October 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    In families there is always bewilderment. I sometimes wonder why my mom and dad were married. They were exact opposites. So are me and my hubby . But as they say; "opposites attract". The title of the contest leads to these words as they are more than appropriate. Relationships often plunder when things are not spelled out. But by experience, I know that later in life, when we look back, we tend to almost see. Maybe I am rambling but your poem took me to so very many places. Excellent writing my friend.

    CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING THE GOLD!



    Much Love & Respect ♥

    Renee


  • vampira1665 silver member
    August 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, now that was simply amazing.
    I saw a comment of yours on apples fall's poem and thought I would check you out.

    It flowed beautifully and spoke LOUDLY! Loved it.

    Hugs and bites,
    vampi

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    July 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Incredible. I feel like I should say more but its 2am and well, the brain is fried -

    all I can say is that this is an excellent piece on so many levels.


  • transcendental baby gold member
    June 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Um, on seceond reading, I was caught with the thought that the boy is really the father in this. Perhaps that wasn't your intention, but the movement seems to revolve around the father figure more than the boy/other ... his fantasy of stability revolving around the bewitching mother. But of course, that could be the son's image of the fearful father's actions ... the ending however, brings the sense of distance between the father and son ... time and just the lack of a more substantial understanding. Well, a reader tends to read her own interpretations into a work This is wonderfully done ... the mood is pensive and has a sense of time and yellowed memory, despite that it's in the voice of the son. Very deserving of the golden globe

    What's with James' obession with punctuation?

    • loschung
      June 25, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      If you mean by an obsession with lack of punctuation, then it's because he comes from the e.e. cummings school of writing and having been with him so long, it has rubbed off on me, but I was always a rebel regardless.

      I'm so glad that you were able to garner so much info from this, it lightens my heart when my poetry gets such a well thought comment.

      I love having my work analyzed.


  • bonjourbunnie
    June 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Love. That is the only word I can think of after reading this, as far as my opinions for it go.

    Your syntax and language is beautiful, the images provoking; you do not condemn with chains, but feathers, and it is such a refreshing thing to see hurt explained without reciprocating the faults of others.

    • loschung
      June 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much for stopping by and for leaving such a thoughtful comment. I checked out a few of your poems and I liked what I saw, so I will definitely be sending a comment or two your way soon.


  • Lucy.
    June 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    but I see
    beneath your
    fragility

    how you remain
    ever-wounded
    always the epicenter
    of fault

    still a boy dancing
    with traumatized breakfast
    parties and clenched fists

    This whole write is stunning. These stanzas above are so insightful. I read sadness, pain, longing, compassion, resignation, understanding and lack of understanding (if that contradiction makes sense )

    The last four lines are powerful and heart-breaking. Brilliant, I love it.

    • loschung
      June 20, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much for stopping by. I will definitely stop by and comment on some of your works soon. I also love that segment. This poem carries one my favorite titles of all time.


  • ArtFullyMe gold member
    June 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ha....

    I was going to come here.... read and then write a poem in response...

    I was ...
    but I fell
    into a somewhere
    half between
    my eyes

    because for the second time.. I felt as if I was reading myself..



  • maralisa silver member
    June 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    father
    you carry experience
    like dead weight
    we are strangers
    one of us caught
    in ignorance
    the other too far gone
    wow such powerful words express the distance between the miles travelled apart in many fatherhood relationships I can truely relate to your poem a wonderful poem congratulation on your well deserved shiny maralisa

    • loschung
      June 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you and I am glad you were able to come away with something from this poem. I love to hear how other people percieve my work. It's part of the fun of being a writer.

  • Judith Chandler
    June 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "half a century of beleagured tenderness" describes a feeling I used to have but couldn't express. A complex relationship but the tenderness is still there.

    Complex and original.

    jjj

    • loschung
      June 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I totally agree. There are so many words we'd love to say, but will always remain unspoken. I think in a lot of ways this poem and many of my others are a way of saying things that are unsaid. It's an easier valve for releasing the toxic air inside of me, rather than just blubbering it out.


  • Rovingone gold member
    June 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is a poem that reflects the true feelings of someone who is estranged from the parents in their life. I can relate. The thoughts and feelings are those I have shared.

    We are strangers

    one of us caught
    in ignorance

    the other too far gone.

    How painfully true this is to me.

    • loschung
      June 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I am happy you were able to take the poem and apply it to yourself personally. It shows I did my job well, when my poetry doesn't just reflect me, but can also allow other people to look inside themselves.


  • Brendandevlin
    June 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    That is insanely good. I just read it once but i am probably going to read it like 5 more times at least.


    • loschung
      June 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving a comment.


  • apples fell
    June 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Thank you for using correct spelling and thank you also for making this a creative take on the father figure. I know I have told you that I liked the part in parentheses but now I am kind of stuck on them and think you should do them several more times in the poem or do away with it completely. Your call but that is my one critical thought. Also I love that you have used only two commas in the poem but wonder again if you could add them more throughout or do away with the two. Seems a tad inconsistent, that’s all.

    This is the type of poetry we were looking for in this contest and clearly you know what the hell you are doing when you sit down to write. Favorite verse is the seventh with the “fault” imagery.

    Good stuff here and thanks so much for entering.

    ;

    • loschung
      June 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks jingle-pop, it seems that while I was on the fence at first about the commas, I agree. I changed them out and I also altered the spacing a little bit, and the parentheses. I used italics instead.

      Love you dearest.

      • apples fell
        June 9, 2008
        Edit | Reply

        God what terrible changes... Seriously I find your choices to be well done and your spacings, which was your own choice, good too.

        Nicely said, bitch.

        Jingle-pop...LOL.
        You gonna jingle me.

        • loschung
          June 9, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          Why judge, I think jingling you might be misconstrued as trying to jingle my way to the top. But if you insist.


  • sgking123 gold member
    June 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    excellent

    I read all poems very carefully.
    But they must actch my attention.Yours did.
    Its definitely a better poem than others I have read recently.
    thank you for sharing with us.
    Pls visit some of my works.


  • NurseChilly gold member
    June 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    jubilant sage... made me smile, it's like a big hurrah for mothers ... i feel the bittersweet thoughts here luv and the way it captures our hearts to the lesser degrees of wanting something more for ourselves...

    beautimous piece





    Gilly.x


  • QuietPort
    June 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. This was heart wrenching.
    Wonderful write
    Good luck in the contest


  • epitome
    June 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Stunning

    Very deep, I think I never really grasped that there are so many people without fathers, and it's strange, because you always imagine that perfect family?
    Love the poem x

    • loschung
      June 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I think the perfect family is an ancient ideal. That whole dynamic is completely unrealistic and whenever there is an example that comes close to being real, it usually ends up being a facade. Thanks for commenting.

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