Time was cruel that year –
we grew fat together – lazily enjoying
the caress of new milk, greeted our
worlds with different eyes and voices.
Ever you, it took five weeks to follow
and a lifetime to almost be together.
Decades of indifference ran between us -
you opened your pain, sang out
your soul and we flew -
inseparable till the spiteful
distance triumphed, slicing more than any
keening wind. The division of today
makes me feel the emptiness of you inside,
find myself wondering who you are,
straining to touch your thoughts within
each sharded dream –
counting the futile seconds I can only
watch
mature, ripen, wither and
pray
some day you will understand.
Author notes
this is very much a first draft - i will edit! second attempt now present - version 3 now here!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Very deep sadness, from an obviously, painful seperation.
Well Written
Don
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WOW it was like you took me into your soul and showed me the world.
A wonderfull write and I wish you all the best in the contest.
Rose -
This was great. You take the reader on a journey, through the eyes of yourself. A beautiful piece thats full of emotion, through slight mood changes within and I love the descriptive terminology and story being conveyed. Good work!
~Emily~ xx
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Sometimes a write needs editing and fixing, in this case i think it should remain as is. Having said that, poetry is like a piece of paper, you can write on it, change the color, make a paper plane, scribble it up, cut it to pieces and so on. And after all that still not be satisfied. I'll look out for your final edit if you haven't already done so.
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"straining to touch your thoughts "
shiver-making.
"find myself wondering who you are,"
tear-producing.
I agree I love this just the way this is. Poems can never be complete if we needle at them too long we've become exactly what we always said we wouldn't! old, fickle, sour, self-proclaimed suicidal perfectionists
that don't NEED to take small steps anymore.
rejoice in yo VOICE lol.
^_^
this also makes me tender, no tears, but -tender- indeed.
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Leave it alone!
I love the way your words taste.
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i agree with james119, a lot good things going on with this piece...i would love to hear more about it
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lots of good elements here
I like where this is going
when it's more cohesive it will be quite good
I think I will bookmark this one to follow
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