I sit in dark corners of this room:
dust,
the flower
in an ancient wood vase
not because I have loved,
or walked your body with mind
but simply because of love,
and its long chapter of distance
scents of your voice
are still buried in my stem;
in my roots that await your return,
in every bud, waiting to open its eyes
into the sky
for now, I am less than memory;
a glass flower
who waits
and from the vase, watches
a waltz of time
and rain
fall
slow
In a list
A contest entry
- passing seasons by Nicolette.
2000 points, ended June 27, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please give some honest and constructive criticism -
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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Love your voice.
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when I adore you what shall I speak Namitha.Your imagination is not trained, you think differently, that it self is amazing. I find in you' thinker without thought' very near to JK's teaching.Thoughts come spontaneosly without a thinker behind, my child..well done
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I like the way you say things differently, Namita. I think since English isn't your first language (like it isn't mine either) it allows you to say things in a way that most other wouldn't - i like that you take chances and add your own voice to your poetry.
I see Mary has given you a real good critique and I don't want to say anything more about the technical aspect of this poem. This one is dark and sad and it stands in contrast to the bright summer days of June. Everyone who has been in that dark corner can relate to this poem. I liked the last line and read it like this rain. fall. (autumn). slow. (otherwise it should have been "and rain falls slowly". I think you meant it to be "staccato-like". Lovely poetry - and hey, i miss you around here, lovely one!! Thank you for this entry.
~ Nicolette
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This is a beautiful work. At first, the different metaphors bothered me, until I could see how glass is formed by fire burning dust, and the burning of waiting provides the flame. I like the way you began in the dark corners, and slowly moved focus onto the glass flower - at once fragile and unearthly.
Somehow, the rain, slow, and the waltz of time are comforting.
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This is beautfully written.
You are one of the best writers...
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i like what you are doing with this piece
there are moments that could be less harsh and blend better with the rest of it-
the first line is a perfect example
"i sit in dark corners of this room:" is an odd, harsh and unpleasant opening for such a beautiful poem
what if you integrated that into the rest of it
for one you don't have to tell us you sit there.. the poem will write that without using the words
also i think the first 5 lines feel convoluted with their reverse language and meaning- like each line is pulling in a different direction - while technically they work- to the mind's eye it feels confusing and ineffective
as dust, the flower in
an ancient wood vase
(i like dust as the flower in the vase- i think that is quite clever)
i have walked your... etc...
so another trouble spot for me was
that you are dust and then at the end you turn into a glass flower instead- so now you have to decide which are you
glass or dust?
i think sky could have been your final word-
i'm still waiting for namita to emerge from this poetry-
i still believe you have a gift beyond anyone here on this site-
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Hey gorgeous!
would you like a critique?...
either way i will delete this comment. and leave something better.
M
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Love
How love dances on our very tongues that we might pen such wonderous thoughts, let your love be what it may as only the few deserving souls shall merit it in such an unbridled way.
I like it, I like it so!
. Rewarded 4
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I really loved this piece it painted out how distances yet still with the way we communicate now a days people far can affect us greaatly and usually for the better. I liked how you called it a June diary entry I was just think these poems are like diary entries we post out there for the whole world to take a look. Great write!
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"scents of your voice
are still buried in my stem;
in my roots that await your return,"
So beautiful indeed,one could feel the longing in these words.
The imagery of this piece is brilliant.
"but simply because of love,
and its long chapter of distance"
Excellent,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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'scents of your voice
are still buried in my stem;'
beautifully written and lovely original sensations captured within the mixed metaphors and imagery. Excellent write.
. Rewarded 4
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Beautiful.
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nicely written....seems to be honest and heart felt
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i think that this is well written and is thoughtfu
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An exquisite essay of unrequited love. It speaks of such femininity; longing for completion or fullfilment. The genius of looking at words in new ways and the ancient scenicitiences of your soul...
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Excellent.
Finely drawn poem; beautiful.
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Lovely
Lots of imagery and metaphor that play on the thoughts of your reader. Mattie Stepanek said, "Remember to play after every storm." Sometimes meeting someone new in their words is like a time out to play beyond the "limits of one mind". It was a nice visit. Thank you.
. Rewarded 6
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bravo
You've built a lovely metaphor here, indeed. full of those poetical phrases for which you will become famous some day. (I think, in my humble opinion that the last four one word lines could be done away with entirely and so improve an already beautiful poem. Question: in line 6 did you, by chance, mean to write "mine" rather than "mind"?) wonderful, bravo.. bravo... -
Beautiful and Soft
Really an enjoyable read, well structured and I just simply loved the flow. Words from the heart, that reach out and touch the reader. Well done.
Ron
. Rewarded 4
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This is beautiful, especially "but simply because of love, and its long chapter of distance".
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this is nice, wish you would change the background though.
I think a lighter color would enhance the beauty of the entry
. Rewarded 4
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Once again the maturity of your observations of life, love, are stunning. This piece for me, breathes with the deep longing one can only know, after having experienced the fullness of love. So delicatly voiced Namita. Extraordinary poetry. Geo
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beautifully written.
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excellent piece.
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Beautifully, beautifully written. The poetess imbues the tender ache of longing with an intrinsic simplicity. The second stanza was my favourite though I enjoyed this immensely in its entirety. At first I was unsure of the presentation of the last few words but the more I looked at them the more saw that yes, they worked and exceedingly effectively as they were tracked backwards. I have no constructive criticism, your poetry is pure poetry.
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This is lovely...pulls at the strings of the heart.
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What a nice read. Lovely.
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Such a beautiful voice of longing. Namita this is gorgeous sweetie. Simply lovely with the imagery and metaphors you have used. Original and one of a kind.
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"scents of your voice
are still buried in my stem;"
'A glass flower' is such a perfect metaphor here....
Namita - this poem is absolutely gorgeous, it's sad & time is felt passing slowly...but it's still beautiful...I love it
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This is so beautiful, the structure at the end, really works hon. Sad, but stunning.
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