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Summer of maturity

As the sun fell
and the moon rose
silence over came me

Lips tense with chilled air
reminded me of moms famous
hot cocoa
lite on the soul
and heavy on the marshmallows

as the night grew old
and over rated
I stumbled to consciousness
and left

Misquito's giving me bedtime kiss's
I walked home
a quarter past tired
I walked in

Mom already in bed
and dad already passed out
I felt all alone
so I grabbed a snack and turned on a scary movie
then covered up with freedom

 

Summertime becomes refreshing

once again

 

Author notes

not really poetry,more like a story.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • Kathraina silver member
    February 12
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    Judged-ola!

    great job with this i love the summer element
    bravo!


  • sailor ptolema
    June 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    que bueno!

    aww, nice slice of summer, there are some errors, ie: should be mosquitos , & mom's....but this is just darling


  • Peachy
    June 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like this but it doesn't rhyme and it's in the rules that it has to.....
    Better luck next time!


  • wingsofgold25 silver member
    June 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A very intresting piece and the Maturity point is certainly relevent. Each summer we all grow up a little. Your use of words very well placed all in all avery good poem.
    Thank you for the entry and good luck in the contest.


  • adios muchachos gold member
    June 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Ingenuous

    "Light on the marshmallows" almost made me fall out of my chair.
    This is a great little bite of artistic doodling.

    No foul here!

    John


  • Spiritual Soul
    June 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Welcome to Allpoetry!

    I am so ready for summer now with this poem. This was such a great piece, I loved your words, especially "I walked home
    a quarter past tired"
    Loced those lines, cause they are true. Wonderful job! Keep it up!
    Blessings,
    ~Michaela~
    Site Greeter


  • apples fell
    June 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    I'm back.

    Second stanza is direct and well done poetry. Sometimes we just have to speak as it is and that's the extent of it.

    Nit-picks:
    " becoming refreshing "
    - Maybe you might consider saying "summertime becomes refreshing" or something else but the double "ing" words don't help add to the piece but I think take away from it.

    And that's about the extent of my critical eye.

    I really did enjoy this and found the direct use of language to be very heartfelt and conscious.

    I like this. Yep.

    ;

  • apples fell
    June 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    I will return. I must say that I like this one a lot more than your other. I have to be honest. Cut the authors note though as your readers don't need an explanation for your work. Let it speak for itself, I think.

    Be back after I sleep.

    Night.

    ;


  • ears2hearyou gold member
    June 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    loved that mosquito's giving me bedtime kisses...that
    was a great similie!
    and the rush of all the activities and celebrations,
    and then..thud..the silent doledrum of summer.
    Come on you can create lovely adventures!
    ears/Seattle


  • grannyeri gold member
    June 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    We all have those summers when we seem to grow up a lot and when we return to school in the fall, things are different, or we are different. Liked this story of this summer for you.


  • penman gold member
    June 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Wonderful

    Oh my this is great. A nice and cleverly woven story.


    • heart shaped box
      June 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you
      trying to work on my story writing.
      I appreciate your support William.

1 - 14 of 14