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Boys (Rewritten) - 2

 

 

 

 

Is that your knight in shining armor walking down the road?

Or just someone in aluminum foil who turns out to be a toad?

Let me guess, he told you he loved you for who you are...

And then took you out for a wonderful date in his fancy car?

 

He ended the night by leaning close and whispering into your ear

And as you get into bed, he calls just to say "Goodnight, dear.

I had an amazing night and can't wait to see you again tomorrow."

And with the click of the call, your heart was his just to "borrow;"

 

But in the end he didn't really want the truths of relationships;

He just wanted a few good nights and then to get between your hips

This true story is just one in many of a liar and their lies

You fall in love and it takes you a while to see their disguise;

 

At some point in your life your heart will be ripped in half, torn;

And after hours of crying you will wish you had never been born;

But don't think of this as something to make you discouraged and down

But rather as a warning to know that these same people are all around

 

You don't want to get caught kissing a frog while your prince is there

Sometimes we don't know what were missing until it slips through our hair

Keep your eyes open or else you'll blink and then they are long gone.

Don't waste your life seeking a king only to end with a deceiving pawn

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Original poem written by Breathe3000
Take a look at it here: http://allpoetry.com/poem/4293001
Slight rewritten done by me posted here: http://allpoetry.com/poem/4296587
Time Spent: 13 minutes

Purpose of right: To show her what I would do with the same topic using some of the same stuff. The first one was just a slight rewrite, using the same style and mostly the same words. This one is a complete rewrite written in my style using mostly my own words.

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 43 of 43

  • Simply Simple
    June 29, 2008

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    That's interesting. The first two lines made me laugh. I thought of a myspace icon. Anyway, I like the idea of rewritting someone elses work to sort of show them the different possiblities that work could've taken.

    Might if I point out one thing? In your author's notes, you said, "Purpose of right:..." Shouldn't it be write? Just wondering. I am a little OCD sometimes. Of course, I make the same errors.

    And yes, I do stalk/read random poems on AP when I get bored. I just happened across this one. Glad I did too.


  • The Poetic Bandits gold member
    June 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Appreciation!

    Thank you Sharcu for this interesting contribution to The Poetic bandit's reading list

    ~Lilac


  • Freed by Mercy silver member
    June 8, 2008

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    I find that the second and third stanzas here are the strongest. The rhymes make sense, also what you say is cohesive.

    The final stanza, line 2, the rhyme seems forced. The idiom is "slip through your fingers", "slip through your hair' doesn't work for me.


  • thelordreigns gold member
    June 8, 2008

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    There is a lot of brutal truth and wisdom in this poem. Too many times our knight (or princess) in shining armor is just a toad that leaves us with ugly warts. Well written with great imagery, flow and rhyme.

    Be blessed this wonderful Sunday afternoon.

    - joanne -


  • lucianfrostbane
    June 7, 2008

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    this is true of most girls i know who dont know what kind of person they are dating till itsa too late


  • grannyeri gold member
    June 7, 2008

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    Just read a poem before this about chess as well - liked the metaphor of the moves on the board compared to life we live. Good rhythm, rhyme and flow in these lines. Glad to see this posted in this reading list.


  • ShelleyA gold member
    June 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A very good write and message. Heartfelt. Good flow, rhyme and tone. Lovely depth of feeling. Good word choice, alliteration and assonance. Well penned. Congratulations on winning Silver and best wishes in the contest.


    • Sharcu silver member
      June 6, 2008
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      Thank you Shelley! Your comments are always encouraging and honest. Thank you so much


  • Polaja Greeters member
    June 6, 2008

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    There seem to be a lot of poems on this site about chess lately - or maybe it is just coincidence... anyway - I really liked this, although I have never been in that position myself (touch wood I never will!)... very nicely done, I enjoyed this

    Keep writing

    Polly


    • Sharcu silver member
      June 6, 2008
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      Thanks for your lovely comment and glad to hear you've never been in this position before


  • Lady Altheia
    June 5, 2008
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    Well I don't have any princes, frogs, kings or knights in my life. I don't think any toads either.

  • Shadow Darkstar
    June 5, 2008

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    Ah! Rhyme! Just kidding.
    Life, and love indeed is like any other chess game, use with many pawns and able to make many different moves. Although, it does kinda come back to bite some in the ass, for their personality and everything that they do. Being fooled isn't exactly a good feeling, and sometimes I wish I could turn back time to give everyone better advice or atr least follow my own. Great write. This flows well.

    • Sharcu silver member
      June 6, 2008
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      Yea, sometimes I wish I had followed my own advice and my own morals in my own relationships.... Thanks for the read and comment


  • RatherImaginative silver member
    June 5, 2008

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    A consistant, discernable meter is beauty to my eyes, as is yours. The truths you've stated are undeniable as well, and a warning to avoid giving it up too soon.

    • Sharcu silver member
      June 6, 2008
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      Many people think that a little crush is true love and take that too far. Just writing my thoughts on the matter Glad you liked it though and I do appreciate the comment

  • Kalamina
    June 5, 2008

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    So very true, you described this very well, a good warning for all girls, and your way of warning was done with well chosen imagery. Great write!


  • Chipp
    June 5, 2008

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    This is an amazing write! I love the ending, those last 4 stanza's very good!
    Also very true, I love the metaphors, great write!

    • Sharcu silver member
      June 6, 2008
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      Thank you very much I tried to put a little bit more into this poem than just words and cliche poetry and glad you liked it


  • warrior-eagle
    June 4, 2008
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    Pretty much the truth.
    Not only once but many times cause we tend to be stubborn,and go back to what we know is wrong and to what we know will hurt us in the long run... but I hate toads...lol so gotta stay away from them,right?

    ...Simply Me♥

    • Sharcu silver member
      June 5, 2008
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      The message of this poem is that you don't want to have your lips on a toad (your current boyfriend) while your king is looking straight at you (your knight in shining armor) but you don't notice. Why give up a million dollar check for a 5 minute back massage?

      • warrior-eagle
        June 5, 2008

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        Lmao...yeah,pretty much. I got it.
        Is time to take my own advice," when it's time to let go,you just gotta do it." That's a great way to put it lol...I rather get the million dollar


  • debilynn gold member
    June 4, 2008

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    an excellent rewrite here. written from a female perspective, it touched on my heart strings when i was a teen. i think this would be beneficial to many teens to read. thank you for sharing this. i very much enjoyed reading. keep writing! you have an amazing talent. thank you for sharing this. God bless you always

    • Sharcu silver member
      June 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Mucho gracias!! Yes, a girl wrote the original and so rewriting it I couldn't write it in a guy's points of views. Normally girls get hurt because the guy just wants to use them for sex. Guys normally get hurt because they are used, lied to, cheated on, or other such reasons. So there wouldn't be a way to write about both pains and do it in the way I did. Glad you liked it and I appreciate your feedback


  • ZachP gold member
    June 4, 2008

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    Wow... your first two lines were quite something, I must say, that really set the tone for the rest of the poem Great work and thanks for sharing

    Zach


  • crazymomma
    June 4, 2008

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    I enjoyed how this tells a story many females know to be true and made it rhyme so well. Nice flow in this one

    • Sharcu silver member
      June 4, 2008
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      I wrote this poem from a girl's point of view, but I know many guys have also experienced being used by women. Thanks for the comment and applause


  • Haiku-bless-you silver member
    June 4, 2008

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    Having read the original, first rewrite and now this one I really appreciate the effort and direction you are sharing with this author. You have done a good job in editing and keeping the spirit of the original.

    Bandits Rock!

    Dennis


  • kitty23
    June 4, 2008

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    well done!

    This is a cute write bout love a such
    nicely written
    i didnt get a chance to go look at the first write but i will sooner or later
    I love how you did each stanza
    great work
    thank you for entering in my contest
    keep up the Great Work you're doing on your poems

    Good luck in this contest

    Kitty23



    P.S. I love the background of this write to it
    wasn't connected to the poem i must say to me it seems
    but anyways its still good

    • Sharcu silver member
      June 4, 2008
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      Thank you, Kitty23! I made this background a while back and thought it related most to this poem Glad you liked how I wrote this poem, though



  • LadyUnique silver member
    June 4, 2008

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    'someone in aluminum foil who turns out to be a toad' cracked me up very clever
    this was a fun read that spoke of a huge truth at the same time. i think almost everyone has been to this place with some staying longer than others.


    • Sharcu silver member
      June 4, 2008
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      Thank you very much for the comment Glad you liked that line lol, I liked it as well. Glad you enjoyed it


  • WolfHeart
    June 4, 2008

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    "She" is underneath the skin. I love this - it is written with much talent and insight. I love the beginning lines. The love of a good and decent man is so rare - hope someone knows what a loser they are!


    • Sharcu silver member
      June 4, 2008
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      Glad you liked it *Hug* Thanks for all your amazing comments. I'll be returning the favor, don't worry

  • sadsongstress
    June 4, 2008

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    pretty good!

    This poem had a really strong message and it was rather well expressed, except you have certain parts where your rhyme feels forced. "Sometimes we don't know what were missing until it sleeps through our hair". This line didn't really make sense to me...it could be a lot better, but as is it distracts from your meaning with forced rhyme and a lack of meaning. Also watch your beats. If, when you read it aloud, it sounds like you're speeding up how you read it to fit a line in, you probably have too many syllables. Just keep an eye out for it. All in all, good work. Keep it up!

    • Sharcu silver member
      June 4, 2008
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      Hehe, actually, your comment made me fix the line. Its suppose to be "slips through our hair" instead of sleeps. Thanks for pointing that out and I hope it makes more sense now. Also, thanks for the comment


  • HiddenByTheDark
    June 4, 2008

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    Love it

    It's a very good re-write of mone and i actually prefer it to mine.. great job in realizing all of what my poem ment and turning it into a master peice of your own
    ♥always Katie

    • Sharcu silver member
      June 4, 2008
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      Thanks Katie Your's was a master piece too!! I haven't had much inspiration and you were the inspiration of this poem so you have to know how greatful I am

      --Tim


  • myrataal silver member
    June 4, 2008

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    Your message is indeed true ...

    and a chilling reminder for many ...

    I like how you have rewritten, and had given credit to the original. In this way we can be truly interactive. I shall read the original too.

    Thank you for featuring this write.

    Blessed be, Tim.

    Myra


  • Da-Lyricologist
    June 4, 2008
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    a very strong message..... you need more comment dude


    • Sharcu silver member
      June 4, 2008
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      The comments will come Thanks for the comment

      --Tim

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