someday, one day
any day
now
rain settles in
at last
soothes
she has sent a girl
on a trip without a raincoat
worries unwillingly
throughout a day
too quiet
when there are leaks
in the laundry room
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Damn... I always smile.
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mmm very dreamy in it's own right. bravo!
out! ~pithyAplomB.
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there is something sleepy about this..
like waking up late and having those half awake dreams about truths and half truths
what we dont want to see sort of stuff
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I only just found this comment...
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This is still so good.
I had to come back and leave some love.
Here. Again.
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thanks I needed a smile this morning
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Well here's another,.
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Hey you
I have read this more than once
and when I can find a comment worthy
you'll get more than this :
(I do like it a lot, though.)
ydk
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I have been away far too long. This is a wonderful bit of writing. I liked how it is raining both inside and out and we always seem to be unprepared.
John -
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I guess that's really the crux isn't it?
Thanks John, good to have you stop by.
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i like this a lot Jan, there is something intriguing about the transitional phrase:
"she has sent a girl
on a trip without a raincoat"
it holds so much metaphorical weight and brings the poem wonderfully to its conclusion...
you rock
al
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and you made me smile
see?
thanks Al
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I like it very much,
like a dream in over-sleeping, in which sensitivities are expanded and felt more keenly.
Sol
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thanks, dreams, oversleeping, not sleeping, sleep deprivation... can all make for interesting thought processes
(check out liza's comment/edit below) -
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Yes, I'm a little familiar with that...
also with Liza's perceptive talents, as shown again here.
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I'm on the fence with this one. The beginning and middle is good. Probably paced and rythmed with syllabic count.
However, when you get the final stanza, it's a drastic change in pacing, compartively speaking and it just isn't strong enough to carry the change and make a high impact. Or, as least I didn't feel that it did.
I would probably opt for either changing it to reflect pacing of the rest and smooth it out, or perhaps reword it with something a little more unexpected to leave a high impact on your readers.
Just food for thought. Still worth reading, but you know I can't not say what I'm thinking. Be it good or bad.
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And I wouldn't want you to not say what you're thinking. I'll take a look at it again at some point. I always appreciate your food for thought.
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Dude, I love days like that. Seriously. I live in overslept mode. I love this!
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someday, one day
sky will fall
and rain will play
settled thirst
and worry cleansed
someday, one day
any day
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yeah
at least we can hope
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The repeating of "day" adds to the flow and the independent voice here. Don't know why but I think the form helps keep the movement flowing, your spaces must do it perfect justice. Beautiful last section Jan. No critiques here. Just lovely.
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lovely
the wait is always worth a jan poem
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Can I play???
( formality aside - I'm going to anyway )
someday, one day
any day
now.
rain settles, soothes
at last. the girl
sent without a raincoat
on a trip. unwillingly
she worries
throughout a day
too quiet
when leaks arise
and threaten
inside the laundry room.
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you rock
I was feeling almost playful but let my eagerness to post stop me before I had reached the full potential.
thanks -
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thank YOU .... I haven't been able to play in ages ...
you're welcome
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