you take my breath away
every time i look into your eyes
and see that internal flame
the flame that motivates you
because without it
our love would be in trouble
for without your guidance
i would be a man without direction
A contest entry
- Whatever you want to write by LoverBoy4u.
640 points, ended June 7, 2008, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Humbled and honored...
I am, by no means, anyone to critique, however I will give it my sincerest attempt.
It is obvious that you have tried to open up and share thoughts that have come straight from the heart. This prose is very simple (this is not a bad thing) and so it retains its honesty. Abstract prose is probably one of the most challenging writes to coin because of its nature to not overdue most common and cliched metaphores. This is its strength as well as its weakness; as demonstrated in its honesty. More metaphores would certainly help to draw out the intended realm of vision the poem is designed to emote. If metaphores are not desired, then some other literary tool such as alliteration, onomatopoeia or some other form of literary imagery with words might be used. After all, that's what poetry is.
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I'm not sure if i am understanding your intended message
in this poem. It could mean many things. Its up to the writer to allow me to understand his point of view. And contrary to your rather rude opening statement, it appears to me that a least metaphorically, you think God has a gender. Please enlighten me poeticaly.
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This is a very well written poem. it's quite short but seems to be deserving of the silver that it won.
A great example of freeverse but as afore mentioned by imahealer, when writing in freeverse you should stick to no caps if you have no caps in it to begin with. please keep up the good work.
Feel free to return the favour. x -
Thank you for sending me this link. Congratulations of the silver. Since you asked me to read here is my honest critique:
When writing freeverse, if you use NO CAPS, then the first word in the write should also be lower case.
I truly believe that for your age, this poem is truly beautiful. As you mature, I know you will begin to use ore metaphors to say the same thing, but are always left for interpretation.
For example, let's take the first two lines.
looking for the soul beyond the eyes
stealing my ability to breathe,
motivating internal flame sears my heart---
for without it----
Get where I am going.
Keep up the wonderful work.
Try experimenting with synonyms.
Thanks for sharing. I am honored that you asked me for my opinion. Great job!
Linda
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Thanks for joining my contest
a short but good poem
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