The sand never stops
for the time that never was,
the time that has been
is gone, never to see again.
The blink of an eye
is the moment I never saw.
With every breath
the dust is gathering
inside my mind,
and on my hands
that never moved.
The grass turns
with the wind
that never stops,
the corners of the world
to reach once again.
Every gust of wind
brings another lung full
of time passing,
watching the sun
rise and fall
against the shifting cloudy sky.
But through all the moments
I never miss,
and all the times,
I never see,
the sand keeps falling
till forever meets an end.
Author notes
Time is a wasteful thing, that people seem to miss.
Finalist
5. write about forever.
In a list
A contest entry
- passing seasons by Nicolette.
2000 points, ended June 27, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites But NO "fresh" writes by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended June 6, 2008, 77 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Final Option - Finalist - Open to all by Florida Sunshine.
1150 points, ended September 7, 2008, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lotsa Options.. Come and see!!! by FightOffYourDemons.
550 points, ended December 8, 2008, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think? How can I improve? What was your least favorite part? Your favorite?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I like it although it seems a little too run on for my tastes.
Also did you ever think of like infusing some color into this page.
The drabness really retracts from your poem.
Good luck in my contest.
Nikki -
My official review of your poem in the contest. Because this is a 'final' contest, I am feel I should be as strict as I can be in looking over every aspect of the poetry presented. I have never claimed to be an expert in any of the categories, however I have been learning a great deal over the last few months. Not only did I want to challenge you [the poet] but myself as a judge.
Below I've made the ruling/score in regards to the points. If you disagree with any of my reasoning please 'reply' to the comment made – with “Challenge” and explain where you feel my assessment is wrong, if I agree with your argument I will change the score. I'm never to proud to admit when I'm wrong. If I feel I am still correct I will bring in a 2nd judge to make the final decision to a change. This final judge will be through my grammar group.
Your Scores:
Finalist -- 10/10 points - Congratulations on making it to the final round of the option contest. I am happy you decided to join us.
Use of Prompt - 25/25 Points – Timeless – I asked to go deep with this, you've achieved this, using time itself for being timeless. Very good.
Poetic Form – 20/20 points – This is regards to the actual structure of the poem. This poem is appears to be a free write. Through my experience I've learned free writes does allow an open forum to present poetry in a vast number of ways. However, it uses certain words to 'pack' the punch to the line. [What I thought was an easy form, I discovered is a tad more difficult keeping that in mind.] I feel you've accomplish this.
Use of Grammar - 10/10 Points – The two words capped at the beginning of the poem, I considered being used as poetic emphasis. The 27th line doesn't require a comma, but still your use of a comma makes a 'poetic' pause. Nice job.
Spelling - 10/10 points - Perfect
Overall Presentation 15/25 points – The background and fonts are simple and readable. I do realize not everyone has a gold membership to get all the bells and whistles to go with their poetry, and most times it isn't needed let the poetry speak for itself. However, on this particular poem I would had loved to see the background to add to the flavor of the write. [Meaning; 'like' putting chocolate syrup and a cherry on ice cream. It's still tasty and delightful without it, but when you have it – it gives it an umph. Also, I noted how you have two parts within the same write, the moment of time - the time inbetween a breath and the the eternal time. By going back and forth in subject matter could make it confusing for the reader however I understood what you were trying to say. I absolutely enjoyed the entire concept of being within time itself -- within the moment. It is like being in a drop of water in a sea of water. [right?] Great thinking.
Your total score is 90
I do appreciate your participation. It was a welcome pleasure to read and review your work. I think you did a terrific job!
Best of luck to you,
Florida Sunshine
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I couldn’t make up my mind if the repetition of “never” worked or didn’t work here, lol. I guess I would have to read this again…. It’s quite a mouthful you’ve penned here and I must say at times you lost me, especially in the opening lines.
I do however understand what you’re saying here in this poem and the idea of “forever meets an end” is quite thought-provoking. Thank you for your entry.
~ Nicolette
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Interesting point of view ...
but I am overwhelmed with entries and I can guarantee you that this one won't win a trophy here. Perhaps you'd like to pull it and enter another? -
I really really like it. My favourite part? Hmmm...
"The sand never stops
for the time that never was,
the time that has been
is hone, never to see again"
It reminds me of a quotation from one my favourite books,Sacrament.
"To every hour,it's mystery.At dawn, the riddles of life and light. At noon, the conundrums of solidity. At three, in the hum of heat, a phantom moon already high. At dusk,memory. And at midnight? Oh then the enigma of time itself: of a day that will never come again passing into history as we sleep."
Great Job Choco! You did excellent on showing how time passes before our very eyes.
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