Is it enough to see your smile
But never touch you skin?
To see the world in twilight
But hold that beauty in?
Can the bee smell pollen
But never quench its thirst?
And will a crow be satisfied
With walking, as though cursed?
Or, in the dusk, does all the world
Become one aching mass?
Will not the bee, for all its hope,
Soon see the search as crass?
And the angry crow, will he forget
With which goal he arrived?
Each journeyer must forsake that
Grail for which he strived.
Author notes
This isn't really my usual fare, so I'm curious as to how it turned out. Pointing out awkward rhyming or rhythms would be especially helpful; since I usually write free verse, that's not something I'm accustomed to fretting about. Be as harsh as possible, seriously.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I thought it was a truly awesome poem, the rhyme seemed right on and the flow was wonderful i didnt loose attention the whole time and thats what you want, nice work man good job
Lucian"
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This is AMAZING. It's a great little mental wander, for lack of a better phrase, and the rhyming just sets it up to be appreciated and marveled at even more. I really, really like this poem.
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I think it turned out quite nicely. The line "can the bee smell pollen" didn't flow as well as the rest of the poem, but I sat here for a while, and I don't know how to fix it.... lol. This was nicely written. Great job!
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I definitely agree about that being an awkward line. I had trouble with it while I was writing it and when I went back to try to change it, but every other way I've thought of seems even stranger sounding. I guess I'll look it over at a later time and try again. Thanks for the comment1
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The first stanza was brilliant. Rhyme worked and images were perfect. The second stanza had a couple rough stops. The "crass" rhyme and last two lines were your weakest points.
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Thanks for pointing out those parts! I couldn't find a way to change "crass" (although I am still looking; that's a part I definitely struggled with while writing it), I did go back and change the last two lines, hopefully for the better.
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A short write and the rhyming scheme here you've tried is great, no worries!
The theme behind this piece was, to me, quite original ^^ Since it's something like love at first and then society also you place a tint of nature to it, too
Hmm, journeyer almost sounds out of place so you might replace that, I guess?
I think this has potential and there should be more stanzas to make this piece powerful, you know . . .
. . . just a suggestion, good write all in all n.n
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