Those beautiful wishes
Laid out on the night sky
Displayed for all the world to see
God's night lights
Giving hope to millions
Cherished dreams and wishes
Laid to rest in those bright golden gems
Oh magnetic and magical stars
How you illuminate the heavens
With your soft glowing light
Putting many to rest
Wonderful stars
I wish on you each night
Hoping that my dreams will come true
That I will find love within you
Magically wonderful
Beautiful stars
Oh how I wish tonight
On a star so bright
That dreams may come true
By star light
On a star so bright
I wish I may
I wish I might
That my wishes come true
Tonight...
A contest entry
- Personify the Stars by ButterflyforChrist.
600 points, ended June 4, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything by crystallynnbradford.
300 points, ended July 30, 2008, 88 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - That was you? Omg I'm sorry ( For Everyone :] ) by RawrSmileBabyPlz.
450 points, ended June 24, 2008, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Overall, a very solid piece.
[First Stanza]
You'll want to go through and check your grammar - the first such instance is on line 4, where you've made it sound like there are gods [multiple] with night lights...except not.
In lines 5 and 6 you use the word 'hope' twice; I would edit one of them out, or just think about reworking line 6 in general because [my next point] it seems to be a bit out of place, the longest in the stanza. Reading it aloud might help; I know I always find some internal rhythm I didn't intend when I do that.
Line 7 begins with 'laid' - two problems with this: line 2 also began with that word, and it's not capitalized. I don't have a preference one way or another in that regard (I know some people do) about whether you capitalize or don't - however, I do believe you should keep it uniform throughout. If you've capitalized every other line's first letter, keep it consistent.
[Second Stanza]
I love how it turns whimsical here, however, watch your words again. I don't doubt your vocabulary, but this poem doesn't do a good job of exercising it. In the 2nd line of stanza two, you again end the line [as in the 1st stanza] with night sky. There's got to be another way to say this, although if *you* like it because that's how you want it, I understand - poetic licence yadda yadda.
Overall, I think this is the best stanza. Aside from my nitpicks above, I find that the unconscious rhyme that's floated into it is wonderful. As I said, the whimsical, floating nature of it truly takes you away.
[Third Stanza]
I'm not going to pick and point on this one; however, I think this might be the weakest stanza. I'd go through - reading aloud - and look at it realistically. What do you want to restate? What can you do without? Of course you don't want to introduce new ideas, but do you want to sound like a cliche Pinocchio? This stanza makes it sound like a lullaby, but not in a good way.
So. Sorry if I sound harsh? at all in this... If I start editing, I really start picking things apart. -
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Thanks.
Hey,
Thank you for all your criticism...I really appreciate it! I fixed it up, if you want take a look and tell me what you think. Personally I liked the last stanza..So I just left it. -
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Hey again.
Completely your preference on the last one. It was just my POV.
After you edited, I'm confused about the periods on the end of each line? Don't under-use punctuation, as that's how you tell your reader *how* you want it read - but don't over-use the unneeded. If you want, without editing anything, I have some semblance of an idea of how a good way to punctuate the first stanza might be.
Aside from that, the rewritten parts do work. The only line that sounds "awkward" to me is stanza 2, line 8. I think the word "within" is what makes it feel that way to me.
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I found a few (very few) grammatic errors, other than that, I thought it was beautiful. It made me feel like a kid again. It absolutely exuded hope, which without, humanity would be nothing. Even look at the stories of Greek mythology. At the bottom of Pandora's box was hope. What a wonderful topic to write on and you really did great!
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Totally awesome
love the way you captured the stars in the sky detailing the beauty in them your word flow is magnetic I started reading this lovely peice you put together and did not want to stop awesome write!
blessing!
Sharon
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Nice sentiments, though some of the wording seemed a bit awkward and I didn't find the opening and closing lines very different, they were predictable.
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Wow very interesting i like it alot its very very well written and worded so greatly. And plus you made the point that you were trying to make. Thanks for entering my contest i wish you the best of luck. ..<3.. Shelly
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this is beautiful
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Beautiful write, very peacefull. I like the idea that every star is a wish displayed for all the world to see, that's pretty awesome. Well done, I really enjoyed this.
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thank you!
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I am sorry, but you did not survive in level 1: Title. Thank you for entering but your poem is being removed
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If you are going to enter my contest I would appreciate it if you would follow the rules. You are lacking in your Author's Notes:
~Main Idea of the Poem
~Username
~Any further explanation as to why you choose that subject (not required, but it helps)
~Tell if it is supposed to rhyme or not -
This really touches my heart...
Too many night have i wished upon the stars for my wishes not to be answered...
This is really beautiful and sad at the same time. I really love it it. Thank you
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