Heartstrings were harshly strummed,
creating chords that shriek
with forced vocals -
losing melody with every beat.
You step off live stages;
performances where you don't act,
only repeat memorised movements.
One step, two step,
kiss and
lie.
And I,
became addicted to deceptions
like I was overdosing on frauds
and false affection.
Melancholy constructed shells,
confining breath in pores
and panic-stricken pulse.
Your rusted smiles eroded,
leaving barren air behind
so I could play catch,
grabbing distractions that yelled
into blocked ears.
Hands moved counter-clockwise
as time staggered backwards,
dragged by recollections
and alcoholic dreams,
where I watched you eject life
out my veins -
feigning involuntary suicide
on cold platforms.
Glass adorned staircases,
painting barriers to yourself -
to me.
Pedestals shrink below foundations,
as you disappear,
from sight,
from mind,
from heart.
[don't come back]
but you never leave,
even when you're
gone.
Author notes
Entry for: Teen Idol 8 - Round 9
Song: I Don't Care by Apocalyptica ft. Adam Gontier [Three Days Grace]
If You haven't heard the song yet, I strongly suggest that you do.
I know. I'm obsessed. I twisted the poem.
Personal.
you'll never read this, but if you do...
get lost.
In a list
A contest entry
- Anything to Inspire a Lost Soul by SoftlyScreaming.
1200 points, ended June 29, 2008, 41 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ♪ Memories ♪ by xxRainbowDawnxx.
488 points, ended August 24, 2008, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Music inspired poetry. All welcome...HOWEVER!!! by Progandother.
1100 points, ended June 8, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Now you tell me:
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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...the first time I read through this I read through it a tad too fast and actually finished it before the chorus first started...
...you've done a very good job here...the emotive language parallels with the song very nicely and I particularly like your instrumental references in the first section (which no one has done yet from what I can notice)...intelligent use of punctuation...randomisation within the size of stanzas...all the kind of stuff I really go for in a poem...you know how to pull the strings of the all magical judge...
...what's more I'm a sucker for the sound the cello makes...I just love it's tone...very well done and very good luck in the contest...
Oliver
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It's just one of my absolute favourite songs
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but you never leave,
even when you're
gone.
Love that fucking ending! Incredible job as always. Thank you for entering my dear and good luck.
Take care
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I love the everlasting metaphors in this piece, you have such a good way with words, it's amazing.
but you never leave
even when you're gone
I love that line. It doesn't make sense and that's why it makes perfect sense to me. Wonderful line! -
*surrenders applause*
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This was deep and well written. The ending is very powerful. Nice! Thanks for entering my contest. Blessings, Patty
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claps i for got the claps!
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ooo me like-e
wow
thats just awsome! i'm addin' u as a fav! -
this was really powerful.. it had words that sparked my mind and intrigued me.. it gave me ideas and i really liked the meaning of it cant always be perfect, everything is cracked.. thanks for entering my contest and good luck.
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'and alcoholic dreams,
where I watched you eject life
out my veins -
feigning involuntary suicide
on cold platforms.'
&& of course - the ending was such spot on perfection. A smack in the face, where it is best suited. ♥
<<3
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Good piece, I found it to be powerful and I'm sure a lot of people can relate in one way or another. A little long, compared to some of your other's, but it held my attention, great job.
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I absolutly adore this write!
you put you heart you mind your feelings everything thats apart of you. everything you felt writing this i felt reading it.excellant job and good luck in the contest!
~electra -
well damn;;
i thought i might win this contest but then you entered.
this is fucking amazing!!
you have this way with words...
damn.
♥ ♥
[[alexsis]]
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haha - you're back!
By the way, I have a contest up - you might be interested
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heheh im back babe.
sweet throw it my way&&ill see what i can stir up for you.
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This was wonderful!
No other words to describe it!
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Thank you
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Your emotion is showing Chandni.
this is strongly emotive, Tyler is right some places tell and I like more show but this piece has more. There is depth in the words honey. -
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I have to tell you that - I'm not too comfortable with emotion showing.
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I know that, you have said it before -
but sometimes...well Chandni, sometimes it does help.
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The poem had some good parts to me, but overall, I just wasn't captivated by it. I wasn't moved. I just made myself keep reading.
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I've lost things to say about the way you write, so just have a and know you have impressed me yet again.
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Excellent
I think this is a very well-written poem that employs vivid, figurative language and imagery to maximum effect. You have successfully depicted not only your past disillusion with the person who is the subject of your poem - initially conveyed powerfully by the image of harsh, shrieking chords - but also a sense of the continuity and perpetuity of the sterility in the lines conveying the present-continuous action of stepping off "live stages" (his false act with you ?) and "repeat memorised movements", implying the recurring mechanical, dehumanised aspects of this man of constant "deceptions".
The last lines are haunting since they suggest no escape for you in spite of your consciousness that the pedestals have shrunk "below foundations". Well written. Tony
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You're an excellent analyzer ♥
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Very Nice...?
I mean like it was a nice poem about a bad subject...loss. You are right, they never go away if it is really love, but then again what is love really?
I fell many times, but when I met my wife it was just something special. Love will find you again and I hope this time it is real! Love and kisses, Shaker
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I have one thing to say;
♥
That's all
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♥
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Some spots I felt you were more telling than showing, but this still held my attention all the way through. Very passionate and intense. I certainly like your personal ones better - but i think it's starting to get a bit too dark.
i hope you feel better. <3
The ending was very good. I totally felt this. Every bit of it. Great.
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No worries, the title cheered me up. I can become mean like that. I keep remembering you telling me to show, not tell - but I felt that the telling parts were needed a bit - to add more life to the poem. I think. I could be wrong.
Thank you
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True, true.
You scored very high, so take a chill pill, lol <3
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w00t!
You know what I think.
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