He met me on a park bench
The sky was hazel,
The wind set the leaves dancing on the trees,
and all was quiet but for the pigeons I
had been feeding
Strutting and pecking at the ground
He sat beside me
One glance brought me
deep into his patchwork eyes,
The looks we exchanged
expressed speechlesly
the fast pulsing of our hearts,
Beating in unison
We kissed without words.
Author notes
purple? yellow? green? all of those.
A contest entry
- Perfect Stranger by hand-in-hand.
450 points, ended June 13, 2008, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - love by siddy jones.
317 points, ended June 4, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Moment in Forever by Nephlim.
600 points, ended June 16, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What be your thoughts?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
i really liked the last part !
made me happy, and it was all like, whoa.
pidgeons strut ? what ?!
and when is the sky hazel...? -
Wow, this was so intense and emotional. I liked your description of the setting prior to actually describing the event that took place. This line really caught my eye because it had internal rhymes:
The wind set the leaves dancing on the trees
Nice touch there.
Imagery I found to be excellent and unique:
The sky was hazel (never heard of hazel skys before, pretty cool idea)
patchwork eyes (of all the things that eyes are described as, this was the first time I heard patchwork eyes. great!)
The only thing that bothered me was these lines:
expressed without words
the fast pulsing of our hearts,
Beating in unison
We kissed without words
Without words was repeated twice. That must have been an accident you didn't notice. It takes away from the flow and the amazing imagery you had previously. Maybe there is something you could change to improve that.
Otherwise, great write.
-
-
Thank you, so much.
I didn't notice that, actually, I'll see what I can do to fix it up. Thanks! -
-
The change to speechlessly is great!
-
-
-
Thank you for following the rules!
This is probably exactly what I was asking for. The description of the area around them, the pigeons, and the emotions that were starting to set in gave the poem depth without having to describe a long scene! Good luck!
-
cute. i like it. good luck in the contest.
-
awe so pretty, I wish I had taken the chance to kiss him. thanks for entering in this contest
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
