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Condensation:

 

hangs like clear fat pimples

from the roof of these old bails;

hushing, pattering background

gathers inside,

coalesces shivering,

chorus of bloops and blinks

testify.

 

mists across my windscreen;

squeaky useless wipers

move rain around

and hissing fans

fight persistent films,

dull slow swish and white noise

of traffic in rain.

 

steams across

 this wet shower wall

in a vapour haze;

skin pink, clean,

warm arm slides

cold clear paths

on foggy glass.

 

drips down the flip up lid

of this hot jug;

burns my hand.

 

 

 

 

 

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • eltortedequeso
    June 11, 2008

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    very nicely written! you seemed to have captured all the different types of condensation into this piece. the 3rd stanza is my favorite, makes me feel warm and calm. thanks for entering this!


  • Nangaleema
    June 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    refreshingly different subject matter.
    This is concrete and visual. Your word choices keep the reader interested.
    The tone was detached like an (almost) unbiased observer recording the facts in meticulous detail. For some reason it made me anticipate some sort of surprise ending or life commentary - I guess I was thinking it would be apparent by the end that "condensation" was being used as a metaphor for something else. Ah well.
    Anyway I liked the ending - "burns my arm" - because it was a nice contrast and a bit of a jolt. nifty read. - NANGALEEMA


    • acari27 gold member
      June 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Cheers, I found this comment very constructive- you are right- esp. my lack of the metaphor- dang it knew i forgot to weave something mysterious in there! honestly my lack of poetic device is a common comment about my stuff- though not one I particularly regret, especially here-the comp was called condensation and I noticed noone had actually written about the concrete meaning, which can actually be diverse and beautiful, and is fabulously universal- a great trait for a poem topic- and i thought beauty! noones taken it-I also tried to go from cold to hot- cold shed- cool car-warm shower-hot jugs-maybe i could pretend it was about sex after all! alas I wasnt that clever

      Cheers
      m8

  • sadsongstress
    June 5, 2008

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    How descriptive!

    I've never thought of condensation as a beautiful before, and yet you make it seem that way with the words you used. also the only type of condensation I've ever though pf is te one rolling down glasses after they've come out of the dishwasher, but you made me realize how dicverse it is. great work! good luck in the contest!


    • acari27 gold member
      June 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      THanks, finally i got one to work- diversity was what i was goin for- didnt exploit the potential for metaphor as the other comment raised-and she was right but you saw it simply -which was how I wanted it looked at -thanks for a constructive comment


  • rawr41507
    June 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i like it. alott!! =]

1 - 6 of 6