Tell me do those stars shine bright
Do they guide you through the night
Will they aid you in your plight
As you venture through the night
Will they gliter with mercy
Show you the path
For your road home
Tell me do you love them
As much as I love you
I would grab a star
And bring it down
Just to give it to you
Tell me do the stars shine brightly
Down and passed your brow
As you lay your head to rest
Do they make the ground glow
As you angel
Lay to sleep
Let the warmth
Cover head to feet
May you sleep all the night
Me and the stars together
Goodnight
Tell me what you think, I really do want some honest feedback
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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As with some of the other comments I really liked the beginning. In my opinion(for what it's worth) you have the makings of a really good work keep working on it I would like to read it when you do.*smile*
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Oooh, the topic of this poem is genius! But the rhythmn is just a touch out..just in my humble opinion! But, this work is just a piece of greatness!
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This is a beautiful poem
Absolutely loverly! I'll have to share this now, it fits perfectly for my sister and her two new babies. I wrote something like this for her when her first was born. Keep on penning!
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Hmmm.
While I like the basic premise of this poem quite a bit, the rhyme pattern disturbs me. It's not consistent so I would prefer that it go all the way through the work, or not be used at all. I would think slight revisions would be warranted (grammatical error below) but otherwise, this is a soft, sensitive poem. Very nice! -
honestly, i do like this poem. i like how the centralised theme is stars. i also liked how you started off the poem with such a bang! it really told me to keep on reading. just one change i think you should make though. when you say "me and the stars", was that an intended grammatical error? if not, i think it should be "the stars and i". but, if you did intend it, it's ok that way too.
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