today -
the hue of marys hair
it swings in a heap of
goldish curls
you hold me underneath the moon
so sweet and full
it almost turned summer leaves
brown again
tomorrow -
still the hue of marys hair
but it swings less
you hold me underneath the sun
so round and obvious
it almost makes the oak trees
grow a bit faster
thank you
for I am at ease here
Author notes
I found this contest to be exactly what I would classify this poem as. ( a lack of self and where the focus is put into someone else ) Feel free to eject me if not.
In a list
- belleza debajo de los ojos • next in list
- More favorites • next in list
- a journey through poesy-ville • next in list
A contest entry
- end of self by Randomly Beautiful.
300 points, ended June 6, 2008, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
all advice is warranted but I am less opt to take it on this particular poem.
Comments
1 - 78 of 78
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Nice to meet you too...
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Oh, I'm gemma by the way...While it has a traditional feel to it, it very effectively maintains originality. I like the use of a metaphorical unnatural quickening of natural processes in expressing the effect of intense emotions... also very soft.......and personal...and sweet so congrats on that
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This was one of those pieces that developed with the poet "lively banter" on here in mind and also one of my muses "mary" who likes to sometimes show me things I would not be able to see otherwise. Thank you for your comment. My stuff is always personal and held in that sense.
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It's all good and lovely to have a muse you can rely on...well, well...my head is empty
. how long have you been writing?
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I have many muses...Some I get rid of eventually...Check out my poem "beautiful cowards" if you want to know what I mean. I've been writing poetry since I was five years old...But really didn't start perfecting the art until I was nineteen...It took a lot of learning and growing up along the way but I guess it was worth it.
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I am at a lose for words. Can't for the life of me think of what to say for this poem.
Hmm, I like the softness of it and the fact it is, to me, about Nature and her beauty.
I saw one of the poems Kalima did for you and since I have been a friends of hers for some time I thought I would check you out.
Hugs and bites,
vampi
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Thank you very much.
Yes, we've been friends for quite awhile...Since
I started on this account awhile back and at my other
account as well...Which is now closed.
It's nice of you to stop in and read my work.
Thank you again.
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Somebody probably already said this and I know that you know about it and probably want it like this, but the only thing that bothers me is "marys"; the extra "'" missing bugs me for some reason
But other than my stupid OCD, this seemed really soft and down to earth, as if you took a moment to really examine your recent life. The ending was subtle, but I like it because not everything is like BAM in real life I hope I'm making sense 
But anyhoo, congrats on the gold and being the author of such wonderful poetry 
Jeanette*~
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the extra what? LOL. You mean it should have an apostrophe? I know it should, but I don't usually use punctuation like that. It's the e.e. cummings of my inner being. But thanks for mentioning it...You weren't the first...LOL. But it's not like you would know that, unless you read all the comments, which would take like forever. Thank you again for the lovely comment. You always make me smile when you stop by.
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yes apostrophe! my communication skills are down the pooper tonight You're welcome
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I loved your comments.
They touched me.
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ooooh baby (kidding! )
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I'm back!
Is that your fingers
I feel in naughty places.
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*cough cough cough* CPR! i cant breathe, you stolded my breath
hehe, okays so this is pretty much described as awesomerific
this gives the illusion of a swing to me, when i swing alone, and get lost, but its perfect in way its not perfect...it's loving without love, and happy without joy....you follow me
But wonderful write and congrats on the gold
Stephanie ♥
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I hear you...I always see love as something that she be without constraints...It should willing speak at some intervals, but also allow room for interpretation. Your comment is wonderful and I very much appreciate that you would enjoy it so much. No cpr allowed....
Thanks again.
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if no cpr is allowed i'll die
lol
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LOL...
You are wonderful.
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lol, why is that
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Cause you just are.
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well i feel speacial then *blushes and hugs*
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Yes, I find myself rather enjoying this poem for it's many prespectives and images. A simple girl with a gorgeuous mane of blond hair floating behind her as she tire swings. A bit too carefree. Tomorrow, she will learn of responsibilities, and they will weigh her down.
A very beautiful and well written poem. Of course, I like the mention of hair and gold...so maybe you got lucky.
Brilliant. My favs' list.
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One of my muses, who still consults with me sometimes...I've always seen with this flowing hair. And around the time I wrote this for kevin, she was visiting me frequently, giving me ideas inside my inner ear. I always feel that sometimes the poem has to be carefree, if not a bit relieved in its completion. Your fav's list?! Well thank you. That means a lot.
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Well, since my "main" muse is male...I've dumped the other since she's all prego. Often times, my muse will take over my bed, and poke me incessantly until I throw back the covers and hid in my closet....I also do the same when my little brother annoys me, and I drag Thunder [one of my 2 cats] in there with me to rant. Then if my mother finds me, I can pretend I'm not as crazy as she thinks...
I'm just a weirdo. -
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I have muses of all sexes. Some aren't even male or female. I have musical muses as well, or what I consider that at least. They are just sounds and whir noises, on some plane of my subconscious. I am an only child, so I've never had any trouble with siblings. But I do have a stepsister, one that I don't know all too well from my fathers first marriage, so that's not really an issue either. I think we all have to be a little crazy to write. It's a curse as well as a blessing, if I may say so.
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I agree, but can't have one without the other!
I do as well, some are alien lifeforms to... -
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I hear you there.
For sure.
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I don't know what to make of this piece. It's a good piece, I know it is, but I can't decided whether I like it or not. I think for me it cuts off and picks itself up in a way I don't like, maybe that's just me being funny. The imagery in this, however, is amazing. Fitting for a gold i'd say
<3
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I wanted to capture a series of small moments, how he makes me feel, a few natural metaphors in here. I am glad you liked it though, sort of...
Thanks again!
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geee.. I think my little black heart just melted. This made me sigh; how lovely, I haven't read a love poem I've liked on here; in a long, longgg while. (I'm not big on that genre ) I think i love you lol...(errr; specifically your words )
This was so deserving of gold; I read it twice; and it sits so well on the heart.....divine.
~Pt
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Awww!
My black heart is usually not for rent either. LOL. But when I do dabble in love stuff it has to feel special, that moment. I don't tinker with the format often enough, I guess. Your words are sweet! You can certainly fall in love with my words, I don't mind at all. Writing that sits well on the heart is good writing, at least that's how I see it. Thanks again.
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thank you
for I am at ease here
This ending is beautiful. The repetitions in the two stanzas would have generally been a bit annoying but seemed to work in this one. Don't suppose it would have painted the same picture if not done like that.
it swings in a heap of
goldish curls
I LOVE that you've used the word 'heap' here. It gives me such a vivid image that I don't think other words would have done. I don't know, it's just a very good word for that spot.
It seems, for me, that there's personal parts in here that not everyone will get...how I see it anyway.
Love the nature images. Congrats on your gold!
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I as well usually would hate repetitions like the ones I've used...Where lines repeat, but oddly after I wrote it I was like, "Yeah and it is done". I just sort of knew I didn't have to say anything else. It was finished, to me. Can't really explain from my perspective, but you see the idea anyways. And this is very personal and directed to a very lovely someone on here.
Thank you for another outstanding comment love.
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i love this poem it is wonderfully written keep on penning..
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at times i find it eerie when i can relate to a poem so well.
this happens to be one of those poems.
the suggestion underneath this review box tells me
'try relating your emotional response to the poem'.
i will.
'it swings in a heap of
goldish curls
you hold me underneath the moon
so sweet and full'
that part of the first stanza reminds me of someone. it created such a wonderful impact on me.
'goldish curls' makes me feel like i'm immersed in the scent of fruit with gold all around.
it's perfect.
you're an amazing poet.
that's why i favorited you.
this is simple yet full of...
everything?
`monica
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Yes that is good you were able to latch on personally to this. I wanted people to just stay here in my write for awhile. Even if it is a short stay. I love how that verse reminded you of someone...How fascinating. It's funny how our synapses fire when we see a word or two that connects on an emotional level for each of us.
Thank you so much for saying that I am amazing.
Though really I am quite average, but thank you nonetheless.
Your comment made my afternoon.
It was just lovely to get on here and read it.
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i don't think you're average.
and i'm glad that my comment made your afternoon! -
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Awww. You know the secret to
this poets heart.
And yes it did.
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Can't change what I feel about this poem.
First, any comment is free of what you want to hear.
Either way you take it:It was enjoyable, or I would have walked away.Good. -
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Thank you nature. I have been reading your work over at your poem wall and hope to do so again today. Comments sometimes feel right on the third or second read, but I promise I will. And yes, I feel the same way about poems. If it isn't enjoyable, I walk away. Nicely said.
Thanks for your comment.
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ok, hue is one of my favorite words, ever. and i have to agree with my boy dr awkward, this imagery is so perfect. it's soft, yet not subtle. you really have a great ability to convey your feelings without just coming right out and saying it. aka amazing poetry. and those last two lines...it's so amazing to feel this level of comfortability with someone. lovely work james!
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I love the word hue also. It is so soft and gentle, I think. Yes I try my hardest to convey emotions to the best of my ability, without too much difficulty. You are so kind. I have missed your words and hope that heat lets up soon around here. And there.
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this has the most beautiful imagery. i think of kirsten dunst waving her hair gently in front of the sun in the virgin suicides. sorry i relate everything in terms of movies. this is the type of poem that makes me want to take a walk in the park, which i did earlier today. thank you for writing it
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I often relate movies to poem parts as well so no harm done there. Just did the other day but I can't remember on who...Oh well. I did though. I love that movie and consider it marvelous that you would think of such a thing. We don't have any really nice parks around here...Grrr...But yes parks are beautiful. Yep.
Thank you very much for your comment dr awkward.
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i have goldish curls.. although they're the kind that comes from bleach and hair products.
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your writing always throws me into the imagery..
sometimes i get stuck there because its either so beautiful or so grotesque you can't help but think back on it.
im glad you're back.
♥ ♥
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You do have goldish curls and very lovely ones too.
Getting stuck in my imagery is a good thing. I do it lots at your poem wall too.
I'm glad you are still here as well.
Talk to you soon.
- J
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i have lovely goldish curls....
*does a happy dance*
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wonderful
This a a wonderful poem, full of good details and quirky images. the concluding couplet is uplifting and i feel at ease as well when i read it.
i'm not so sure the poem needs punctuation as the language dictates the breaks to me, anyway.
i'm glad i read this.
best wishes,
myron.
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Done. Periods gone.
Thanks again for your
great comment, myron.
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omg..
i dont know if its because im half awake right now ((or half asleep depends on how you look at it ))
but i couldve sworn you called him a moron.
hahahahahha
im sorry,
spontaneous laughter...
fuck...
i think i woke everyone up.
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myron silly. myron.
He rocks girl and you should really check out his work.
I usually am somewhere between sleep and awake most the day so I can relate. Of course, isn't everyone.
I am on a computer right now with a really shitty connection speed so don't mind me if it takes me longer to do normal everyday internet stuff.
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hehehe.. i know. ill check him out. he has to be good if you like him.
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You might just be right about that punctuation. Maybe it would feel better bare bones. I think I may keep the dashes just to show the continuation to the next thought but yes you are right the periods feel strange.
Thank you for your helpful suggestion and am glad you had the chance to stop by.
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This is lovely ... I'm not sure you ejected self from it, but you need a point of view to see the other
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I'm not sure either to be honest...LOL. But it was the best I could do with what came to mind. I mean I could have taken out the I at the end but then it would seem, I don't know, cut short. Needed the mirror held up at the end I guess. And really this was a way of getting out some feelings towards a certain someone so I felt like that alone was my idea of leaving out the self. Ramble. Ramble...LOL.
Thanks for commenting on this little jot.
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where the ship's colossal departure takes place is a defining term in the "all for you" part of every piece we turn into in time and distance. ~ EZB
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You charm with me your comment.
I would expect nothing less from you.
Thanks a lot for stopping in
and reading my poem wall.
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I really like this,Your style is not at all common in my opinion.
"you hold me underneath the moon
so sweet and full
it almost turned summer leaves
brown again."
This part and the very end was my favorite parts of this poem,great job,and I'm looking forward to reading more soon.
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Thank you Brant.
I appreciate very much
your comment
and your thoughts.
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your transitions are always smooth and relaxed, and touching to this reader. It's almost as if your words are like a feather, slowly wandering from right to left, up a bit, then down some, but always heading toward a soft landing. Your gift is showing, James.
bex
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I have greatly missed your comments. I can remember when I posted a poem a long time ago on my other account and it was called: "edna and nelson: an unpredictable love". Don't know it you remember it but it's gone now. I took it down quite awhile ago but I just remember you helping me make tiny edits and getting things in better order. You helped me grow as a writer becky and you have always been there to offer me your thoughts and your personal take on things. I don't think I have ever told you how much it means to me that you have been my friend from the beginning. Been here since 2003, long time and you have been a voice helping out when you can.
Thank you. It doesn't mean much, just words
but thank you nonetheless.
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I like the two images, the subtle change from one to the next. Oh and the roundness of it all, too, very soft edges.
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Thank you so much Suzanne.
You are wonderful.
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Hello James,
Thought I'd take a look at some of your work:
The first three lines are a real hook. Then the poem has a leisurely pace to it, like it holds your hand and weaves you through the branches of its verbs.
I like poems with the word 'it' in them. Many people don't but for me it creates a magic that draws its breath from some deeper root within.
I love the simplicity of "so round and obvious" seems unforced and natural, like it flowered there on the page.
Your words have become trees my friend.
Thank you for the journey.
Heath
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I actually never noticed that a lot of people don't use "it". Think you just brought up something new for me to think about when I am reading other peoples work. I think my preference to most of the words I use is based around sound and imagery. I never have been one to worry too much if my word use is popular or well received. I just want it to appear human. That is the most important thing I think in my poetry, to allow the reader to find something to take with them. No matter the outcome.
Thank you so very much for the comment.
"words have become trees", use that for a poem, you should.
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This is lovely. A loved how this poem moved from "in the moment" to tomorrow... This one really shines with love and understanding and the gift of giving. I agree, the poem shows a lack of self - and that is love.
Simply loved this one... beautiful poetry and the voice so very authentic and sincere.
~ Nicolette
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Thank you nicolette. Hopefully today the sun is warm for you. It's a little overcast here but I think that is probably a good thing as it was very hot yesterday. Wonderful to see your words after having to do a little work I had been putting off. Also nice to know that you enjoyed it.
Thank you so much.
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This makes me wonder.....
I love this poem, it has such a great impact. I know I haven't been reading that much of your work () but as far as I'm concerned this is my favorite by you so far. It's like you're really living inside it (well, metaphorically, that is). I love the summer motif, expressed in more than just the obvious "summer"... the chromatic images are very powerful, likely more due to the context you have put them in. This poem feels very warm to me. I'm not exactly sure whom this is to but he (or maybe she) must be a lucky person. I like the today-tomorrow parallel plus the last, generalized couplet, that is a good structure; not overly novel, but effective in sending out a powerful message. I love the image of a sweet moon... such powerful, creative synesthesia, and putting "full" right after "sweet" makes me think of being nurtured... which this poem does suggest. I think the concept of this moon turning the summer leaves to brown is very interesting. Firstly, it sounds enthusiastic... but brown reminds me of autumn, or perhaps burned food (in relation to the sweet moon)? I guess you didn't mean that. Makes me think of a connection so deep you don't know what part is you and what part your partner, which sort of relates to your author notes too. Another thing I like (about structure) is how you keep "the hue of marys hair" swining in both longer stanzas... but there's the moon and then the sun. It sounds to me like a positive progression, and the astral motifs do show a lot of depth to your feeling. This poem is very optimistic and I enjoyed that a lot. Plus, might I add, the title is just too sweet It really made me want to read the poem here and now, but that may be just me being overly cheesy and a bit nosy Oh, about the last couplet... it just sums up the poem and its emotion so perfectly. I just love it, and can't explain how such a poem about such an intimate connection makes me feel at ease too.
As someone once told me, I guess I sometimes read too much into things. But I like this a lot, and hope you don't mind my crazy ideas
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Hey diana. Your favorite from me! I am utterly amazed actually that you would think this my best and that is not an insult to my piece either. Maybe because it is not begging to be understood but just is. Sometimes the simple things really are the best. You take so much away when you read my work and that is something that I am very grateful for. Not many people would take the time to read so deep into it. Thank you so much for losing yourself, here in my work.
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i'll be back with words for this after my interview later on.. at 3.20pm, it's 2.20pm now.. off i go
will be back
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Gilly I'll be waiting.
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Oh, baby, I love this almost as much as I love you. I love you more.
Poeticaly this poem is perfect, and emotionally... well rest your head on my chest to hear my heart beat.
You'll always be welcome in my arms.
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I thought you would like this poem. I posted it really early this morning while you were at the gym and didn't think you would see it until you had gotten up from sleep.
A place at your heartbeat? I'll take it.
You make me smile. Lots.
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Well this write is well put. The imagery is good. Although I shall not agree with your view I do like this poem purely by the technical aspects.
so sweet and full
it almost turned summer leaves
brown again.
my favourite lines.
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Don't exactly know what you meant by "I shall not agree with your view" or maybe I am just not reading that right.
I am glad you enjoyed it though.
Thanks.
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I am an agnostic. And an objectivist. So obviously,our convictions don't match.
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I try not to see in such black and white terms. I think all people can share a moment even if they come from different backgrounds/religions or even different poetry. I am actually not a religious person myself in any sense and my so called spiritual stuff (which this is not) is usually directed towards a power in general but one that I do not know first hand. There might be nothing really. And that is alright as well. But yes I do understand where you are coming from and thank you for your honesty. I'll check out some of your work when time allows.
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