Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Take me back

Falling in love with words
Places I've never seen
People I've never even met
and ideas I don't understand

I see shadows of myself around
Up in the deep blue sky
through flaming turquoise water
Down all the familiar roads

I worked so hard to be that person
The one I always dreamed I could be
You were part of the plan
I wanted someone to love

I let the feelings consume me
My mad rush to be accepted
worked real hard at that too
running away from everything else

Oh but it all fell apart so slow
Just like noticing your hair grew
Realizations I wasn't who I once was
Take it back. Take me back to her?

Here I am. Prostrate in my misery
Unable to pull myself out of hypnosis
watch me go through the motions
watch me care less and less

Every window ledge I see
Every time I step into my car
It's just so goddamn tempting...
God help me. I want that empty peace.

Author notes

Will somebody help me? I dont know what needs to be done. Break the monotomy. Fall in love with me. save me.

Verbalize via keyboard

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

  • emLeejo
    June 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    well im not gunna leave a huge comment. short and sweet like me! haha. uhmm i liked it.. it just kinda seemed to be you, i mean like if it didnt have "I" in it i would of known you were talkin bout you. odds are. well luv ya!


  • Bean Sidhe silver member
    June 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I would tend to agree that there is definitely something tangible here but the usage of "I" is quite redundant. Re-read it, removing most of the "I" parts, and the flow is much better. You have some strong lines in this work, "empty peace" stands out to me the most. Keep working on this one - I think it's a diamond in the rough!


  • Perception
    June 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    First off the bat I noticed, that you used "I" way too much here... It really just seemed way too repetitive, I actually think it ruined the flow of the piece. Too many of the same syllable - uhg.

    Also, I, being myself, would have liked a lot more description in this piece. I mean you had like colors and such, but I just wanted something deeper than that.

    Also, your langauge usage could have been way better... if you rearranged some of the words in your stanzas... To make the flow better, also, avoiding the usage of the word "I"... Using a deeper thought then those of a cliched view. If you know what I'm saying.


    I don't know if I helped any, but eh =/
    Best of luck

  • Topiary
    June 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I wrote a gigantic comment for this, and I accidentally navigated away from this page before I could post it. ARGH.

    Very short version: Use either third person or aphorisms in place of so much first person in order to make this seem more universal. Use more creative language at spots like "You were part of the plan/
    I wanted someone to love" and "I watch myself go through the motions/I watch myself care less and less". The former seems to clichéd and the latter too casual.

    I did like "Unable to pull myself out of hypnosis", however. If you made that into an extended metaphor or something of a motif, I think it might pull the poem together a bit.

    I wish I had the original comment rather than this one, it was a lot better. But I really don't want to go through that work again. Regardless, I think this poem has potential and could be quite good with some changes in its execution.