Christlike and bleeding
you opened up your soul.
Tried hard to love me
by doing as you are told.
Moving in the shadows,
you talk about your life,
talk of winter fantasies
pretending to be my wife.
I ask you where you’re going.
You say you do not know
I said you must be dreaming
in the summer it does not snow.
You were always smiling sweetly
songs of sex coming from your mouth
as you told me neatly
all about your dreamed of spouse.
How can you tell me to love you
when your like a flower as it dies?
How can I hate you
when your hurt makes men cry?
You say you’ll always love me
and I know it is all a lie.
All our lives are spent waking
to the fact that nothing lasts.
You speak to me in whispers
a snake hidden in the grass.
You tell me lovely stories
pretend that love’s a gas.
How can you say you love
and you feel safe at last?
I know you are really bleeding
and of all the stains in your past.
Good by, I must be leaving.
I think your love is jest.
So long, I must be leaving,
a fool, I join the rest.
You are your own religion
you are your own sacrifice.
All your lovers were the altar,
but I question who used the knife.
Fish wife in your kingdom
who will you resurrect?
Flesh Christ in your heaven,
to whom do I pay respects?
I’ll be leaving in the morning,
I hope to save my life.
I’ll return in the evening,
to lay before your knife.
A contest entry
- In Conversation with by NurseChilly.
1400 points, ended June 15, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think, what it makes you feel, how you are moved.
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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Wow...that's powerful. I love it. The rhythm and rhyme were natural, not forced at all, and the last line has such an impact.
I just think that line 42 has too many syllables. Maybe you could change it, shorten it a bit, like, "But who wielded the knife?" Just a suggestion, because the poem can do well as it is. -
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I am always fascinated by people, their behavior, motivations, drives, affairs, relationships, etc. These words were driven by a beat pattern I heard in a Zappa called "Yellow Snow" I think. I heard it on the radio as I was parking my car. Went inside and wrote the poem. There is a lot of history and other stuff tied up in this. Still, it is just an observation of a certain personality type and how she was destroying a friend of mine. First person narrative seemed more powerful. Thanks for the suggestion. I am still cogitating.
Peace & Light,
Tom B.
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that was a loverly moving poem well done
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This is a train wreck and all of the FX is live.
Peace & Light,
Tom B. -
thanks
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I think i read this...three times...to hear you carefully. IT has many notes of personal disappointment
in it...and several sharp metaphors...that sting from
your soul.
I wonder..is it fair to judge a persons ability
to love based upon their religion or yours?
Would every rejection you give...bleed Christ?
because you didn't fall in love with them?
or the relationship didn't work out?
you know many do not want absolutely anything to do
with the word ..."christian" because all of the sudden
it means you must be "perfect" and
poet...we all know what they did to the last perfect
person on earth? (grimace)
You wrote this very effectively...and it does give us
time to pause and think on it....
If I am going to embark upon a new relationship I
shouldn't mention my religion because possibly
if the relationship doesn't work out....
it will be used against me!
an interesting conversation we could have.
perhaps you needed to plunge your heart
and release your disappointment boldly!
and that you did!
ears/Seattle
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I have a Judeo-Christian background. It is part of my culture and the religion (note I speak of the religion) or religions spun around the motif of Christ suffer from their own multitude of sins. It is out this I am speaking. I wail on this trumpet full bore. The passive aggressive woman or women I have known are quite capable of using every device immaginable to make sure they are never responsible for any of the pain they are in. Creating crisis and uproar is just part of the game plan.
My faith, my spirituality are what allowed me to suffer and survive the one really bad passive aggressive female I dated. Of course, prior practice with a father who practiced uproar (see transactional analysis) helped immensely.
This was not based on a belief, just the symbols and totems of a judeo-christian background. You make it to personal. I promise you, another person's disfunctional behavior will act itself out weither you are there are not to participate in it. It is like a car wreck. If you are in the way you get injured. Nothing personal, just physics.
Peace & Light,
Tom B.
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I frequently complain about this or that in a poem, or say something blase', but, outside of a few minor rhythm problems I like this. I might consider adding a few references to her appearance, though, and maybe some concrete statements as to what it is that she says that lead you to feel the way you feel. More of a "Show, don't Tell" approach, see? But I like this and I think it's the best of yours I've read so far. Good job!!! - ocerus
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This got its inspiration from the rhythmns of a Frank Zappa song. I was playing off the way words sound like each other as well. It, of course, is compounded by all the Christian imagery.
As far as looks go, I dated a number of passive agressive woman and body type or paticular look didn't play into it, so for me the physical aspect just doesn't enter into it. I can understand your complaint and normally I would put it in there, but this has a personal vent side to it as well. Most of my poems are not personal, just explorations. This one however is in many ways. Glad you enjoyed it. I have tuned this one several times. I may at some point get all the little glitches out of it.
Peace & LIght,
Tom B.
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Wow, impressive write as always! However this one really is good. Snake in the grass, your words lie. Your love cuts like a knife, I will be back to lay before your knife. Interesting, very creative. ~Sie
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Might call it a vent, might call it a conversational poem. I heard the words as I got caught up in the rythmns of a Frank Zappa song. Glad you enjoyed. it.
Love, Tom B.
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wow.... thats a bright background.. kinda takes away from the words.. but nonetheless, a really strong entry to this contest and well thought out piece of work
many thanks for entering
G.x
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the third stanza of this is the best. brilliant.
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This is just one of those, it came at me all at once, kinda poems. Sometimes I totally believe there is a muse and she writes me at whim.
Love, Tom B.
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Thanks for sharing Tom!
Quite the conversation you shared with this Tom. I thought this at times was a bit of emotional but I enjoyed your thoughts into this. This is excellent...THANKS!
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This is a vision of another person and a conversation with the result of their passive aggressive behavior. Might call it a psycho-drama of a type.
Love, Tom B.
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whom among us has not made mistakes...
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We all are full of misteps, miscues and total error. We act for the wrong reasons as often as we do for the right. This speaks to the personal more than the spiritual.
Love, Tom B.
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I think I was once married to her... j/k (kinda)
Beautifully disturbing imagery laden with religious references to give vivid word-pictures that illustrate your narritive...
Very well written, Tom, you are becoming my teacher as well.
~Tim
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I fortunately, didn't date this one. I knew her well enough to watch her in action a few times.
Thanks for liking my style and voice so much. If you learn anything from it than I am gifted in more way than one.
Peace & Light,
Tom B.
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Sounds like a visious trap to find yourself in... To fall for someone who is her own worst enemy yet want to lay blame at her partners doorstep... You can never win...
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This person was exceptionally passive aggressive. I loved how she always claimed how much she sacrificed. Fortunately, I never went with her, just watched her as she destroyed relationships. You called this one pretty well, unfortunately you don't know what you are in, often, till you are in it.
Love, Tom B.
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strong write
deeply delving into the remnants of a spent relationship.
Well written.
Buddy
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Appreciate the insight and vote of confidence. Glad you enjoyed. Thanks.
Peace & Light,
Tom B.
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Interesting, but good. I like it. I'm glad that I never got close to that, really. It's sad how the world is making people like that.
Great write!
Vamp
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This is about those ego-centric, narcassistic individuals who participate in passive aggressive behaviors and always feel their arrognance is not an expression of fear so much as a statement of how betrayed they are. Heh-heh-he, he, he. Sorry, I have dated a few and watched many more. Glad you enjoyed.
Love, Tom B.
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You gave an hard account of a partner with no trust due to being misused. Wanting to love, afraid to love.
So many are like that; its like you became this person. I can ID with her with the way the world is..
plus I have a family member thats so very much like this person and he's a male......excellent write...novy
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I watched it happen to a friend. It is so much easier to be objective when it is happening to someone else. It was just the level of her pathos as the passive agressive destructive game played out.
Love, Tom B.
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A hollowing out of a relationship,one hard whittled away down to rawness, to the bones and maybe it was never destined to last but to teach you a little of yourself, sometimes relationships do that, we don't notice it until it ends. Love, C
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Believe it or not I got the beat from a Frank Zappa song. The opening line just fell into place and I had to say it over and over again as I ran into the house to write the poem. It is about a woman, I knew. I never went with her but I watched her chew up a number of men. She wasn't a bad woman, just a little hard on boy's egos in men's bodies. She made me promise I wouldn't use her name for the title. but I know who she is.
Love, Tom B.
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