i abducted these hours;
sealed them in a neon box
with dusty thoughts
and the memory of sound
these were the years
that kissed our cheeks,
put up paper walls around us,
painted them
gray
and called it marble
if i could
i would burst into flame
& rise from the ashes
in a monochromic storm
of poppies
and laughter
cutting the umbilical chord
like a broken neck cuts off oxygen supply
... things were so much simpler then
Author notes
I chose the "life" option; oh, how I miss childhood...
hope this is what you're looking for
:]
In a list
- Childhood Innocence group list • next in list
A contest entry
- passing seasons by Nicolette.
2000 points, ended June 27, 2008, 22 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - LOTS OF OPTIONS! by Shenanigans.
700 points, ended November 23, 2008, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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"if i could
i would burst into flame
& rise from the ashes
in a monochromic storm
of poppies
and laughter"
I love this, the imagery is so vivid; it's ah-may-zing.
This certainly deserved gold
Shelly
x
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I like this. Very wistful for youth. Reminds me a little of something I wrote (Fragments). I think we all go through this sentiment at some pt--the last sentence says it all. Great work, excellent luck in the contest! --Shannon
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I can see why this took Gold - great wording and images!! Very vivid pictures you painted with this - I much enjoyed it.
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I'm in a drama, stamping the scenario of life
Your introduction magnifies how sometimes, it's later when you realize you locked up the past, leaving behind the ongoing discharged feeling. "neon" is a prime word, marking something new you didn't even control. Ooooh, how real, "with dusty thoughts" is, now it's not even inviting because of bending your ideas to other complications, like a graying film. Line six captures a moment so special, but then at the same time you're trapped into cheap surroundings misspoken for new attractions. I can feel that in so many things at the store etc even today, that slowly back you out of simplicity, making you think it'll be greater. The bittersweet caress on the nerves.
I smile from the fantasy you resolve from wasted deception in the third stanza, the chance was long ago. But, "in a monochromic storm of poppies and laughter" is so gritting, the raging wildness of an instant change to your caught on dream not appreciated previously. As dark as the topic fire can be I don't think this is linear around that. And, paper can burn, granite cannot... the sizzling is also a single color, and so is a pure field of these flowers that are red as well. That even more composes the intensity, it's my favorite part.
Interestingly, it seems you know the purpose for why it's bad to have an untimely separation from the placenta and baby in, "like a broken neck cuts off oxygen supply..." that's why it's such a raw metaphor here, clean air of genuineness has been paralyzed from patience.
This piece shows maturity, congratulations on gold,
Daisy -
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wow.. this was just ... way amazing.. I'm so not surprised it got gold!.. You did such a wonderful job! bravo!!! well worthy of that shiny!
Angel
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I like this very much, then agian I love anything that reminds me of waxing grey.
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Re: simple walls
Wow! What a super emotional write! I suppose you're talking about an unborn child? If so it's a solid metaphor! I like this non-conventional poem! It's very contemporary in look, feel, and presentation. It flow rather well and has a good choice of words. Thanks for sharing!
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this is great. i like to see poems that dont rhyme. it shows creativity. very well done
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Stands completely on it's own. The natural poet has awakened! genuine. real. take care,
~pithyAplomb.
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Never delete this one. Congratulations, Poet. Very well done. Unique.
Wanda
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I liked the opening line very much – powerful way to grab the reader’s attention. I also liked the “storm of poppies and laughter” – made me think of something red, something colourful.
Strange how time builds walls and how we complicate things for ourselves. It was indeed so much simpler before time (or is it ourselves) erected marble walls… Thought-provoking piece with some very nice images. I enjoyed this one. Thank you for your entry.
~ Nicolette
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wow, this is abs. beautiful and unique
lovely write and good luck
i love your descriptions and everything
take care
stephanie
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thank you!
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Amazing
i LOVE this.
I don't even know why. I just Do.
" i would burst into flame
& rise from the ashes"
The phoenix symbol is a powerful one and used here in a way that avoids all cliche.
I love it.
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