Give it to him I was told, it’s your duty to give,
To help the frail is why by His grace you live,
Those supposedly rueful eyes looked into mine,
Drooping down, working hard to make me feel divine,
Those shoulders which could have supported a kingdom,
Were drooped down, expressly projected as tiresome,
Grudgingly I posited in his bowl a valuable dime,
Still speculating why I sensed as if it was a crime,
A universally accepted virtue it was, giving away,
Was I the only one who from humanity had gone astray?
Long hard gazes they give me, “You should be glad,
After sacrificing lavishly it’s inhuman to feel this sad”
A prodigious sense of guilt rushed through my blood,
Their persistent bickering made sure I felt like a dud,
That night as I lay under the shimmering star-lit skies,
Pondering over my endless guilt, the nature of its guise,
I saw each star independently emitting its own light,
I suddenly had an answer, my heart danced with delight,
The only dilemma with me was I was a free soul,
Not requiring anybody else to make me feel whole,
They preached sacrifice only for sensing significance,
For their highs were derived from worldly reverence,
With this I ecstatically sprinted down the mountain slope,
Cutting through paths, jumping over bushes with hope,
For I’d found a new way, guilt-free trail to traverse,
Now I could stand all pressures, any situation adverse,
For inside I knew I was right, I could break any dungeon,
This would be a fresh beginning, my new conception.
- Sokeeg
A contest entry
- just enter. by Trinsa.
420 points, ended June 7, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Just be honest to yourself while commenting.
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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i like it alot great poem!
Miranda
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i love you it
you did a very good job! -
this is rlly good :]
i like it
good job -
i really like the feelings and the deep description you have put into this wonderful poem, i can feel it along with the imaningary too, i like the title and the way you describe that you can break free, i think the rhyming flows nicley also, keep up the beautiful writing, ~Amy
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honestly, the rhyme scheme was good, which shows you didn't force the issue. the flow through segments of the poem are not as smooth as they possibly could be, however, the way you express yourself is entirely your choice. as an expression of faith and freedom this piece is effective in conveying its message. my only suggestion editorially is to perhaps review the punctuation and format (perhaps include some stanza breaks). having said that, this is definitely a piece that's interesting and worth reading.
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Hm.
I liked the ending much.
At times it seems like their were too many syllables in one line rhyming with the other, but it still flowed together well and the rhyming was perfect.
Great Write.
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AWESOM
I liked it a lot! your a good story poet... thats what i call people you like putting stuff into their poetry! -
good
I thought it was very introspective and true. -
ohemgee... i love it.. it is amazing and i think you should make more like this on
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its really cool i like it alo
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omgsh
this is amazing
XD
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very good, good luck in the contest, its very good I love it
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this is a wonderful piece, keep up the amazing work hun.
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nicely done....very nice actually. keep up the writing you got something to hold onto
sincerely,
eggy
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breathtaking
"cutting through paths, jumping over bushes with hope"
"those sholders which could have supported a kingdom"
these two lines took my breath away. The whole poem is amazing aswell my fellow poet -
good
i really like your word use, very extended, and the imagery you provide is splended, however, it looke a bit much at first glance, i think if you added a few line breaks it would really make it stand out, the piece itself is very nice, but it needs structure. -
wow this is awesome. it flows really good and i like the way u aranged the words. its really a good poem. deff keep up the good work ~ brook
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Very fluid... and I love the message that you put into this poem. How some people just give to have a place in the world, to belong to something. And some people just don't need that. I loved how the narrator found his inspiration in the stars!
GREAT job
diggin it majorly
A+wesome
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This write could have survived better as a free-verse. A certain strain is quite evident here.
The imagery, the thought-process seemed good enough...but the structure rather left a scar upon the efforts.
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I personally wasn't satisfied with the end,it was forced because of time crunch and TV(IPL finals), but I still don't see any faults in the flow in the rest of the stanzas, maybe after I read it 5-6 days later I'll know for sure.
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