he's so blue, blue, blue
like candy and
I want to swim,
I want cry,
I want to curl and let the light burst
from my throat
and leave the shadows
to the wolves
but sometimes
he's so far, far, far
and as all sailors know,
screams get lost at sea
it's all coming out now
waves, again
churning and he's so far
and blue and I choke
together, grasping
for an anchor
dye blooms and swirls,
like cancer
we are sinking,
singing
they are singing
I can hear through
blue pulsing in my ears
his arms can't hear me
I'm slipping,
sinking
blue and I
are sinking
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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great
The poem had a nice flow and precision to it. The wording conveyes nice imagry and the rhythm scheme was right on track. Well done!
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A lovely write. I like the little pieces of repitition by use of specific words and the echoing croon of three-peated words as well.
Great job.
s and best wishes always... ~Genie~
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I really like this. I think your words really grab the reader and pull him along with you. The repetitive words are a great idea and you don't beat us to death with it.
I wasn't sure if 'anchor' was the right word, as anchors sink to the bottom, maybe a 'hand hold' or 'solid ground', but it's not essential, 'anchor' can also mean something solid...
I thought the ending was a bit anti-climatic and yet it worked still. I think repeating your opening lines at the end would bookend this nicely. Even rephrasing the opening lines would give it stronger ending.
I can't find a lot wrong with this. Your idea is solid and you carry your theme and rhythm throughout.
Good luck!
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this has a lyrical quality about it. nifty read.
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Woah, I like this a lot. The repetition works well and it flows very nicely! I like the way you put the "blue" into it. Great write!
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umm, actually this piece didn't grab me, i just got that generic image, i see in alot of poems. There are however some good lines. Hope this helps
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wolves
I do like this, but the wolves bother me a bit too. The theme seems more fit to things of the sea, like sharks or some other fish of prey, but perhaps you could even be more general, like scavangers....ah well enough of that, I like the blue feel of this.
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GREAT WRITE!!!!
everything will be ok. go talk to your mama. mama's are always there. thats what mama's are for... love gypsyfish
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Oooh! Time and time again I find I love the way you write. There are either a couple gramatical errors (shame on me for even humoring the idea!) or it's part of the theme, which actually makes sense.
Nah, I like the intentional theory better. However, the wolves confuse me. The rest makes sense to me, but the wolves bit staggers a bit. Or maybe it's one of those "you had to be there" sorta things.
Regardless, me gusta.
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The wolves are somewhat of a break from the rest of the elements, and I'm still debating if I want to keep them. Think of leaving something to the birds, only birds were a bit too soft for this. Wolves are more predatory and might chase after things left behind.
Thank you for your insight, Stride. It is always highly valued.
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